What Your Preferred Presidential Candidate Says About You
by Peter Kremidas
Hi. Well are horoscopes bullshit or what?
You know what isn’t? This 100 percent accurate assessment of your personality based on what presidential candidate you prefer. No I did not include all of them, I’m not a psychopath.
What Your Preferred Presidential Candidate Says About You
Joe Biden - You are incapable of seeing that the film “The Boy In The Striped Pajamas” is just a cynical setup for a meaningless grand tragic moment that uses the holocaust as a prop. When you imagine a Nazi holding hands with “a black” (your words), it makes you cry. Or you’re Jim Carey in awe of what this man can do with his face. If none of this describes you, then you are a moth drawn in by his teeth.
Amy Klobachar - You ask kids what they want to be when they grow up and then roll your eyes at their answers.
Bernie Sanders - That one part in Return of The King when Aragorn, the first king of men in ages after the long reign of Denethor The Steward of Gondor, says, “My friends, (Pause, “huh? what?” say the faces of Merriodoc, Pippen, Samwise, and Frodo) you bow to noone,” and then they all bow to the hobbits? It breaks you every time. You’ve got a good heart and also you think that inspiring young voters while scaring the ever loving shit out of old voters is a sound political strategy. You shop ethically.
Michael Bennet - When you first saw the character Mr. Makey on South Park and heard him say “M,kay?”, you thought to yourself, “I would follow that man into hell.”
Elizabeth Warren - You were basically Hermione when you were a kid. Fuck you. Also, so we’ve all had the experience of knowing that somebody didn’t understand what we just said because, upon finishing, there’s just a stare, a pause, and then they start nodding before saying “Yeah!” followed by something not related to what was just said but totally related to what they had previously said. You know that thing? It happens to you often. But to be fair you talk like Ira Glass and they were trying to mentally place where they’ve heard that voice before and that’s probably why they couldn’t focus on your words. Fuck you.
Andrew Yang - You have a real dope idea for an app, bro.
Pete Buttigieg - You just can’t fucking wait to talk about Shakespeare, can you? You can’t sleep without an NPR podcast playing in the background. You have a cabinet full of United States Vice President Bobbleheads. You’re especially proud of your rare mint condition Spiro Agnew because it actually reminds you of something something progressivism something accountability something Trump sigh. You want to see Donald Trump lose a debate. Badly.
Kamala Harris - There was this one time where you said, “Come on, guys. Not all cops are bad.” And then there was this weird pause and one of your friends said “Well, sure, Dayna, but I’m talking about systems, not individuals.” And then someone said, “Yeah, Dayna.” And then you got this look on your face and you said, “Oh.” And you looked like such an idiot and you really drank too much that night. Stuff like this actually happens to you often. But other than that you’re real chill. You want to see Donald Trump lose a debate so bad that he cries, shits his pants, and then starts a physical fight which he also loses.
John Hickenlooper - You’re a republican who accidentally read a real news.
Corey Booker - You consider yourself the office rebel because when they started charging for coffee you started bringing in starbucks every morning for everyone. Eventually the office stopped offering any coffee at all and now it’s all on you to pay for all the coffee everyday, soldier. You did it. People have been asking you to stop. You did it. Despite all the crazy predicaments you constantly get yourself into, you always have good advice and book recommendations.
Beto O’Rourke - When some starts speaking Spanish to you, you smile and nod your head and actually get this look on your face like you’re actually listening. You let them get through the whole fucking thing, smiling and nodding the whole time and then when they’re done you hold your palms to the sky like a balanced scale to heaven and say “Hey, sorry, compadre! No Hablo Spanish!” And then you smile like you’re such a cool person for knowing “hablo” you fucking phony. You don’t know a good senator when you see one. You want to see Donald Trump win a debate, apparently.
Marianne Williamson - You really hated The Hobbit prequels and you need your message to go to the very top. Your dildo is made of crystal. You also have a crystal made of dildo. Because, when you think about it, isn’t everything made of dildo, as it is of this Earth?
Bill DeBlasio - You’re the rare New Yorker who both hates Amazon and doesn’t smoke weed.
Julian Castro - You’re the first among your friends to discover new good music. You have good taste in it, too. And movies too, where do you hear about this stuff? I cannot overstress your eye for good media content. You should really be a writer. Have you ever thought about that? You’re a C-Span junkie who has been saying “I fucking told you so” for the past week and a half and seriously people get it, calm down. And/or you’re his parents.
*Eric Swallwell - Your children’s hands are permanently disfigured from playing catch with lit torches.
Kirsten Gillibrand - You’ve asked to speak to the manager when we go out to restaurants and stuff a lot since we’ve met and for real I’m starting to think it’s you. You think Reece Witherspoon is the hero in “Election”. At one point in your life you let it be known to an authority figure that you have something to say, and you thought they were being, honestly, like really super unfair at the time. But whatever. If they wanted to be immature, that was their prerogative, and no you were not done speaking, and you do not give neither a care nor a fuck on Earth.
Jay Inslee - Yes, it’s organic.
Tulsi Gabbard - “No kidding?” you said, “I love Hawaii. And yeah, to your point, I definitely don’t love war, if you get what I’m saying...which is, um...yes, that. That is what I’m saying...I mean, yeah.” You gulped down a slug of cold brew, anxious to get out of this conversation with your boss. “Fuck it, yeah, I support Tulsi Gabbard.” You concluded, “Why the fuck not, right?”
Trump - Your motto, “Hey, if you want to make an omelette, you gotta pay off a hooker, encourage a dictator to cheat for you, and torture a few kids.”
*I don’t know how to put this into the context of this bit, I just have to tell this story. In a post-debate interview on msnbc, he once again appealed to giving the reigns to power to a younger generation, and not people like Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, who have been in power for, and this is really what he said, “dozens of decades”. Plural. Like, more than a mere one dozen decades.