Interview with Ted Bundy
Brian: Hey, Ted. How are you?
Ted: Can’t complain. And, if I did, who would listen? (laughs)
Brian: So, let’s get right to it. Have you seen the new Netflix special?
Ted: Of course.
Brian: And what are your thoughts?
Ted: Well look, I love Sandy Bullock. She can do no wrong as far as I’m concerned. I could watch that woman read a phone book on film and I would say it’s great. I like the idea of people going crazy from being monsters or whatever and that they have to wear blindfolds to survive, but I wish that there was more. I wish the threat was more fleshed out. The audience needs to understand the stakes and the threat that our characters are up against. You know?
Brian: Oh, that’s Bird Box.
Brian: I meant the other—
Ted: Oh, Bandersnatch? That was exciting. Trippy, man. I had to keep going back to decide exactly what to do with my dad, you know?
Brian: No. Ted, there’s a documentary—
Ted: The Fyre Festival thing? I haven’t seen it yet, but it’s in my queue. I haven’t seen the one on Hulu yet. I’ve seen a lot of memes about it. The guy who was ready to suck a dick or something.
Brian: No, Ted, I—
Ted: He wasn’t going to suck a dick?
Brian: What? No, he— I mean, yes, he was, I—
Ted: What a weirdo. And something about Ja Rule?
Brian: No Ted, theres a four-part series about you on Netflix.
Ted: Oh! That. Yeah, I saw that. It was quite something.
Brian: It doesn’t paint you in the best light.
Ted: Yeah. It was quite the hit job.
Brian: There were inaccuracies?
Ted: Yes. I wasn’t actually that crazy about Volkswagens. They made it look like I had a weird obsession with Volkswagens. I mean, I like Volkswagens fine, but they made it seem like I only would drive a Volkswagen. I’m not, like, brand loyal to Volkswagen.
Brian: Okay. That was the only inaccuracy?
Ted: No, there were a lot.
Brian: Like what?
Ted: Ah, who the hell remembers? All of this stuff happened years ago!
Brian: Yeah, forty years ago.
Ted: Ugh! Don’t remind me. God. Time flies by.
Brian: Yeah, but the main stuff was… Well, the murders, Ted…
Brian: That was accurate?
Ted: Were the murders accurate?
Brian: What they said about the murders.
Ted: What specifically?
Brian: Come on Ted, don’t do the lawyer shit with me.
Ted: Ha! Okay, sorry.
Brian: Well, the lady that escaped from you that you abducted in the mall parking lot. She was interviewed in it.
Ted: I saw that. I’m glad she’s doing well. I haven’t talked with her in a while.
Brian: They didn’t really go into just how depraved and horrific your acts of violence and murder were. For instance, you broke into one 18-year-old girl’s house and bludgeoned her with a metal rod from her own bed frame, raped her and then sexually assaulted her with a speculum that punched a hole in her vaginal wall and then left her lying there in a pool of blood. She survived but was already in a coma when her roommates found her. She suffered permanent brain damage.
Ted: Hey man, it was the ‘70s.
Brian: Yeah. But, why did you have your own speculum?
Ted: I don’t remember. Heh, if you remember the ‘70s you weren’t there!
Brian: Have you seen the trailer for the movie based on your life where Zac Efron plays you?
Ted: I did! I like the scene in the trailer where he pops his shirt off and he’s just jacked! It’s obviously nowhere near reality, but art is about making reality what you want, and I definitely would want that slab of beefcake, you know?
Brian: He is a very attractive man.
Ted: And how!
Brian: You’re often talked about as the “handsome” serial killer. A lot of people think you’re “hot.”
Ted: Aw, go on.
Ted: No seriously, go on! Ha ha! It’s good for my ego! (laughs)
Brian: Well, thanks for taking the time to talk to me, Ted. Is there anything you’d like to say to the people?
Ted: Look, I know I’m not a perfect man. And in 2019 in the current climate with #MeToo and everything, what I did looks extra bad, but you need to understand, I come from a different time. The ‘70s were wild times, man.