Top 5 Times I Should Have Killed My Co-Worker Gary
The new year gives you time to reflect over the past year’s failures. I know that you’re all saying, “But Brian, you’re fucking awesome! How could you have any regrets?” Of course you’re right. My life is nothing but constant triumphs. I really only have one regret, and that is my failure to work up the nerve to kill my co-worker Gary Flobert. I’ve made a list of all the times in the past year I should have extinguished that lousy jerk’s life.
Top 5 Times in 2018 I Should Have Killed My Co-Worker Gary Flobert
5. MARCH 14, 2018 – When I was walking into our building, Gary was in front of me. He knew I was behind him. He knew. So, I ran in front of him and pushed him out of the way and opened the door, ran in, and slammed it behind me. He tried to open it, but I was holding it from the inside. He kept saying, “Brian, come on. Open it.” I held it shut for about five minutes and he just gave up and went in the side entrance. When he saw me later in the day, he gave me this dirty look. I wish I had just picked up a stapler and stapled his brain.
4. APRIL 9, 2018 – Gary was in the restroom before me. When I went in, he was leaving. I looked and saw there was a lot of water on the floor from the sink. Gary must have washed his hands and let them drip all over the floor. I could have slipped and hurt myself. Gary was probably hoping I would. I should have grabbed the back of his head and smashed his stupid face into the toilet. To make matters worse, as I was shitting, he came back in and said something to me like, “Brian, why are you pooping in the sink?” He then started getting mad that I also put his lunch in the sink and was pooping on top of it. What an arrogant asshole.
3. JUNE 5, 2018 – When I walked in the office, I saw Gary with a cup of coffee. As a funny joke, I grabbed the coffee out of his hand and threw it into his face. He started flailing his arms and yelling out “My eyes! My eyes! The scalding hot coffee has blinded me!” Next thing I know, I’m in HR being reprimanded because of Gary not having any kind of sense of humor. I wish I had just followed him home that night, broke into his house under the cover of night, tied him to a chair, and lit him on fire.
2. AUGUST 10, 2018 – This one happened right before work. I drive to work, because I’m awesome. As I’m pulling into the parking lot, I see Gary and he starts screaming at me, “You’re going to hit me! Please stop! Oh my God, my legs are broken! I can’t feel my legs! Help!” This is first thing in the morning. I wish I had took my hole puncher and punched a hole through his esophagus.
1. DECEMBER 22, 2018 – Gary is a widower. His wife went through a very long, painful illness and had recently died. I forget exactly when because whenever anyone starts talking about anything related to Gary I tune out. Anyway, it’s a few days before Christmas and I’m alone in my office and I hear Gary scream from down the hall. I come out to see what’s going on and Gary is just on the floor in fetal position weeping. He’s a real wuss. He starts whimpering something about “Brian dug up my wife’s corpse and put her in the chair in my office.” or some shit. I just wanted to boot stomp him right there.