Quick Movie Reviews
Chinatown 1974 ★★★ The ending of Chinatown always ruins it for me. The guy says, "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown." I always thought that would be a good line to end on. But, then they go to the final scene where Jack Nicholson is in a department store silently trying on different pairs of wool socks. It goes on for 20 minutes, and then he looks into the camera and says, "These will keep my tootsies warm!" and then the credits roll. I mean, of course you all know how it ends. I just feel like Chinatown is so great, but the whole wool socks thing kind of softens the punch of the story.
Green Room 2015 ★★★★½ Captain Picard is very mean in this movie.
Phantom Thread 2017 ★★★★★ There’s a part in this movie that heavily implies that Daniel Day-Lewis’ character is about to have bad diarrhea. However, they cut away and Daniel Day-Lewis making diarrhea is never shown onscreen. I wish this film had been brave and shown Daniel Day-Lewis making diarrhea.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014 ★★ They are actually tortoises.
Jaws 1975 ★★★★★ This movie is good.
Batman 1989 ★★★½ This movie does not hold up very well, although it holds up much better than Batman Returns. Anyway, Mr. Mom takes Kim Basinger to the bone zone.
Daredevil 2003 ★★ In 1793, Eli Whitney invented the mechanical cotton gin.
The Florida Project 2017 ★★★ If you like exciting, action-packed films, then look no further. This thrill ride of a movie will keep you on the edge of your seat!
The Wages of Fear 1953 ★★★★★ There is a character named Mario and a character named Luigi in this movie.
Ready Player One 2018 ★½ Ready Player One is a number two.
No Country for Old Men 2007 ★★★★★ Roger Ebert don’t gotta cuss in his reviews to sell his records. Well, I do. So, fuck him and fuck you, too.
A Quiet Place 2018 ★★★★★ I heard that John Krasinski came up with this movie because he is super into his wife’s feet so he started there and worked backward.
The Prestige 2006 ★★★★ This is a movie about Wolverine and Batman and they both bone Black Widow. Anyway, David Bowie and Gollum are friends and Wolverine wants them to make a lightning machine so he and Alfred can be magic. They decide the best way to magic is to kill small birds and make top hats. All the while, Christopher Nolan keeps up his personal motif of only having white people in his films.
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring 2001 ★★★★★ My man Aragorn beats elf cheeks. Respect.
The Amazing Spider-Man 2012 ★★★ There's a lot of dumb, but, it's still good. If they had to reboot the whole franchise, they could've done it better, but this is what we got, and it's pretty good. The whole third act is pretty bad, but whatever. I don't know. Look, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. Your mother and I are splitting up. We still love you and we still love each other, but we just can't be together anymore. I'm moving to Milwaukee. I have a job there. You can visit any time you want. This doesn't mean that I love you any less. I'm proud of you everyday.
Frozen 2013 ★★★★ So, did everyone know about those rock trolls? Or did only the royal family and Sven know about them? If people did know about magic rock trolls, then why were they so scared about Elsa's magic? If the rock trolls erased Anna's memory so she wouldn't remember Elsa hurting her, why did they then do a song and dance number about how Sven and Anna should get married? Why would they risk any exposure? If the rock trolls were a royal family secret, did the secret die with the King and Queen because they couldn't risk Anna finding out about Elsa hurting her? Whyyyyyy?
Her 2013 ★★★★★ Joaquin Phoenix tries to fuck his phone.
X-Men 2000 ★★★★ This is about a young group of superheroes who use the teachings of Malcolm X to shoot lasers out of their eyes.
The Avengers 2012 ★★★★★ This review contains spoilers. The Avengers win.
Alien: Covenant 2017 ½ A boring mess. Just like your mother.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2000 ★★★½ This movie propagates the harmful stereotype that Asians can run on top of trees.
Glengarry Glen Ross 1992 ★★★★★ This review contains spoilers. This movie has frequent use of the F word.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail 1975 ★★★★★ The key to Monty Python's humor is that they are from Europe England or somewhere, so they sound funny when they talk.
Se7en 1995 ★★★★★ This fun, buddy cop action comedy is a laugh-riot from start to finish!
Fargo 1996 ★★★★★ If I didn’t like this movie, I would say, "More like FarTo."
Good Burger 1997 ★★★★★ This eye-opening documentary about fast food service employees will leave you forever changed.
Aliens 1986 ★★★★★ The sequel by which all other pluralized sequels are measured.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 2007 ★★★★½ This is the one where Harry, Hermione and Ron get into trouble while at Hogwarts.
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri 2017 ★ This movie is a giant glop of bullshit.
When Harry Met Sally… 1989 ★★★★ This review contains spoilers. They totally fuck.
Double Indemnity 1944 ★★★★★ Fantastic sequel to the hit film Single Indemnity.
Carrie 1976 ★★★★★ A lot of people say, "I like horror movies, but why is there never strong thematic and graphic depictions of a young teenage girl's menstruation?" Well, have I got the movie for you!
Gone Girl 2014 ★★★★★ This movie stars Batman, Madea and Doogie Howser and they all kill a chick that James Bond banged.
The Silence of the Lambs 1991 ★★★★★ Fun Fact: Anthony Hopkins really did tear off that guard's face and wear it. All improvised.
Avengers: Infinity War 2018 ★★★★★ Avengers 3: Intergalactic Daddy Issues
Tragedy Girls 2017 ½ This movie is a pile of buttholes.
Hereditary 2018 ★★★★★ JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.