Interview With The Nine Year-Old

Interview With The Nine Year-Old

by Brian Sweeney

This is an in-depth interview with my girlfriend's nine year-old daughter, Charlotte. I asked her random questions I found on the internet that are supposed to make you get to really know the person. 

This is 100% real.

What are you most scared of?

When I have to get to sleep. 

Oh, like the dark?

No, the dark's fine. I like the dark. It's nice and cool. I like the shade and stuff. BUT, I'm afraid of the closet darkness. All the clothes looks like a person, and they're just standing there, waiting for the right time to strike!

Then what are they going to do to you?

I don't know. The only thing I could think of is, like, murder? Or something? 

Why would they murder you? What's so special about you? 

I don't know! That's what I think about all night!

But, you're nine years-old. Why would you have such enemies?

I don't knoooooooowwwww! It would most likely be [my six year-old brother] Mike

So you think it's Mike standing in the closet?

No. It always looks like an adult, but I don't know, I feel like it would be Mike... stepping on lots of stools.

What is love?

In my description it would be a feeling between- a feeling that is the opposite of hate and is a sexual thing.

A sexual thing. 

I don't know. It's the best I could think of. 

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Oh, that? Ummmm, put it in my savings of course. I mean come on. Sure I could spend, like, ten bucks for a fidget cube, but come on. I don't like spending because, sure it shows off for a little- like if you spend it, nothing happens- Like, let's just say you spended [sic] it all on a car. Let's just say I'm over eighteen. And I spended [sic] it all on a car. Sure it's cool- for like a month. And then, no one cares about it. You look in your wallet a fly is coming out of it. 

Have you ever been in love?

Mmmm... Kind of...


Oh, don't give me that look.

What are you most proud of?

The ability to express my feelings by kicking Mike. Or, if you don't want to put that, maybe, what I'm most proud of is this ability to actually get up on the bed after I- so here's what happens. Here's what I'm most proud of. Every single time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I have to wake up, my leg falls asleep. Every time I keep going into a position that all the blood drains down to my leg and I hate it. I HATE IT! 

Wait, this is what you're most proud of?

No! What's I'm most proud of is that every time I have to fall out of bed so that I could crawl to the heater because all I know is whenever my leg is there's lots of blood in my leg, heat does the trick. It does it all the time. ALL THE TIME. So then, I have to crawl over there. But then, it huuuuuurts.

So, this is what you're proud of.

No. What I'm proud of is that I can actually have the ability to get back on bed. 

Get back on bed.

Get back on the bed. I'm stuck down here, and this leg is useless for now, and I can actually get up. It's an amazing ability when I actually found it out. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo! I can finally get on the bed!

Do you believe in ghosts?

No. What the heck? No! 

I was asking if you believed it!

Ghosts are not real! Ghosts are not real! That is 100%. I have not failed that test: are ghosts real. The only thing people think about if ghosts are real are those 3 a.m. videos- WHICH I HATE!

What is the one thing people always misunderstand about you? 

I don't have a great life!

What is on your bucket list?

What's a bucket list?

It means something you want to do before you die.

What does a bucket mean?  Why do you need a bucket?

It's a term for dying. Some people say "kick the bucket". 

But it doesn't make sense! if someone died how can they kick the bucket?

I don't know why it is. It's just something people say. "They kicked the bucket."

Can we just say "they died" instead?

You can, but it's a bucket list because people say "kick the bucket".

Okay. Okay. Okay. I said "okay!"

See how difficult you are?

Hey! I don't understand a thing, so deal with that! 

So what is the one thing you want to do in your life before you die?

I want to have a flight. Sorry, I meant, I want to go on an airplane and actually have a flight to Florida and go to Disneyworld. I only saw it when I was a baby! I don't remember a thing! All I remember is this kid walking by one of the stands where these people are singing and stuff, like one of these stands, and I recognized him from my kindergarten. I mean, come on! That's all I remember! 

You don't remember Mickey Mouse or anything?

No. No. No. And I clearly remember what he looked like. He had like this black hair and this nice little cute two parts and they were like this cute little hairstyle and it was nice and shiny black, jet black like Harry Potter. #HarryPotterRules. 

So yeah, thats all I remember. Before I die on my bucket list the first thing I want to do is actually take a flight as a child... or a teen, I don't know. I don't know! Just in my lifetime, I can finally go to Disneyworld and see in person and actually have memories! All I remember is this one boy! 

Are you a morning or night person?

100%... 98% night person. 

So 2% of the time you like the morning?

2% of the time I really like the morning for Saturday and Sunday. 2%, two days. 

Unless it's a three-day weekend. Then it changes the whole chart.

What is your biggest flaw? 

I'll say it in four letters: M-A-T-H! I hate that! Fractions? A fraction plus a fraction? Sure, I could do a half plus a half, but an eighth plus a half? WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!

Do you think it's possible for men and women to be "just friends"?

Duh. Duh. I'm friends with lot of boys at school. 

But do you think they're in love with you?

Well there was this one guy called [redacted] and he told me that [redacted] liked me and I told him that I liked [redacted], too, but we never actually- I asked him, "do you like me?" in third grade, and he was like, "no." And I'm like, "well, that was a rip-off!"

Have you ever killed anyone?

Mmm... Well... I killed someone with feelings.

How did you kill them?

I made a point that was like a burn. Buuuurn!

Would you rather be famous or successful? 

Successful for once. I'm a failure at everything!

Are you keeping a big secret from someone?

Yes. No spoilers. I'm not telling. 

You're a girl?

Last time I checked...

Alright. You check every so often just to make sure?

Is my Virginia still there?

My Virginia?

I keep mixing it up with the state. I'm not good with states.

What happens when we die?

What happens is when your body's in underground, after like ten weeks, I mean, ten days, or maybe a few weeks, what happens is bugs and animals start going underground and dissolving our skin and we turn to skeletons. 

I meant like, Heaven, like what happens after we die. Not physically what happens to our bodies. And you think animals start digging- 

You asked! I saw it on a video! 

What's the most important thing that guys should understand about girls?

No girl likes your armpits. No girl likes your pits at all! No one. No one. They'e hairy, they're stinky, they're sweaty, no one likes them! 

What is your biggest fear?

3 a.m. [videos] and killer clowns. And the movie Up. I seriously saw the poster for it like, "it's coming out soon" and I was cringing.

Up came out, like, before you were born... Wait, you saw Up was coming out and you what?

And I stopped and I saw it for a straight up minute, and I was cringing the whole time, 

But wait, what are you scared about Up for?

No, I just heard there was a clown in it, this creepy clown-

Up? Oh! It! You're talking about It

It. Yes. 

What is your favorite word?

I think my favorite word is- It's between "gullible" and "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious".

What is your favorite curse word?

I'll have to think about that one. I think the most I use... Is... Oh my God... I'm just cringing thinking about it... I don't want to answer this question! But, I wanna answer it for some reason. Okay. I think, my favorite one... I think it's the G. D. R. word.

I don't know what that is... Oh, God Damn Right?


If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say to you when you get there?

What I would like Him to say, is, so He has a nice greeting an then says "[name of her enemy] is gone. [Name of her enemy] got the punishment she deserved." And I finally get the credit for how much generosity I gave her. And then I have a cocktail, for once.

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