Interview With The Six Year-Old
This is an in-depth interview with my girlfriend's six year-old son, Mike. I asked him random questions I found on the internet that are supposed to make you get to really know the person.
This is 100% real.
Mike, I need to write something.
The story is named Fart.
Why is it named Fart?
Because we fart out of our butts. Then that’s it. Human beings are deadly because they fart. (monster voice) Yes. Because they fart. Because they fart. Farts actually eat bones.
What is love?
Kisses and stuff?
Have you ever been in love?
With Madison (a girl from his kinder care when he was three) and my mom. And you! I’m so gay with you.
What are you the most proud of?
What are you the most ashamed of?
If you could go back and change one decision in your life, what would it be?
What is your biggest dream in life?
How to pooh.
What difference would it make in your life if you felt completely safe, accepted, and loved?
Do you think your parents did a good job raising you? Why or why not?
Yes. Because they love me and they love my farts.
At this point, he announced “Now I have to go poop” and ran to the bathroom, so we took a break. He then began singing in the bathroom, “Hallelujah! I finally poohed!”
What's one thing that you wish people understood about you?
That I fart a lot.
What is your biggest flaw?
What event in your life has shaped you most as a person, and how did it do so?
Have you ever treated a person in a way that you regret? What would you do differently if given a chance?
I would give my fart a chance.
Do you think it's possible for men and women to be "just friends?"
Did you go to college? If so, which?
I would go to fart college.
Tell me about something you did when you were drunk that you've never confessed to anyone.
What’s drunk even mean?
It means that you drank too much.
No, alcohol. Like beer.
Trick or treat. Smell my butt. B-U-T-T. B-U-T-T.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?
A dog into a cat.
If you knew you would die tomorrow, how would you spend today?
What are your political leanings?
Farts for just America or the whole world?
The whole world.
If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
I would change myself into Uno cards.
What happens when we die?
We go to Heaven.
And what’s Heaven look like?
What are demigods?
Maui in ‘Moana’.
What are your views on religion?
I use farts.
What’s your passion in life?
To live with my doggo, Fartcher.
What is your favorite thing about women?
That they fart.
What matters most to you?
What is your biggest turn off?
What is your biggest turn on?
Do you like boobs or butts?
Butts. Actually boobies.
Who do you know that has boobies? Teachers?
No, mom. She has tons of boobies.
What do you miss most about being a kid?
I miss kissing birds.
At what age did you become an adult?
If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?
Just jump up and then kiss my butt.
What is the one thing that people always misunderstand about you?
If you could change something in the world, what would it be?
Microwaves into microwaves. (beat) That’s me alright!
What is your biggest fear?
Fear. In Inside Out.
Who is your favorite superhero?
What’s your pet peeve?
What was the last movie that made you cry?
Incredibles 2 because a stupid girl tried to take over the world. I was enjoying it for half of the movie and then I started hating it. In the movie they had these green glasses and then they were turning people evil and then they were trying to take over the world by doing everything like farts and dogs and poops and couches and dads and computers and walls.
What is something that you would want everyone to know about you?
This. (Mike pulled his pants down and pointed at his bare butt)