It's My Birthday And The World Rejoices
If you have been keeping up with the news recently, you most likely have spiraled into a horrifying suicidal depression that no joy can penetrate. But, that's mostly because the most important story has been seemingly lost in the shuffle. What I am referring to, dearest readers, is my birthday on May 16.
I share a birthday with singer and chief public representative of the Rhythm Nation Janet Jackson, former famous person Megan Fox, legendary pussy hound Liberace, Mrs. Doubtfire's Pierce Brosnan, Kid In The Hall Kevin McDonald, Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic, Terms of Endearment actress Debra Winger, Growing Pains star Tracey Gold, and a girl I went to grade school with named Jenny Barker.
And now, as a special bonus, here are some more interesting facts about May 16, apart from my awesome self being awesomely born on that awesome day of awesomeness.
On May 16, 1571 German mathematician Johannes Kepler, by his own calculations, is conceived at 4:37 AM. This is a real fact. This Kepler guy really used his advanced understanding of math to not only figure out the exact moment when his dad came into his mom, but then wrote it down so all the other math perverts could read about it and jerk off with their protractors or whatever sick shit they do.
On May 16, 1805 Elizabeth Palmer Peabody, or Lizzie “Hot” Body to her sorority sisters, was born. She would go on to open the first English-language kindergarten in the United States. The school was opened in Billerica, Massachusetts and in it children were taught a wicked pissah way to pahk thuh cah in Hahvuhd Yahd while eatin a pizzer spuckie wit a tonic.
On May 16, 1866 The United States Congress established the first nickel. You see, In 1864, Congress had authorized a third series of fractional currency notes. The five-cent note was to bear a portrait of "Clark", but Congress was appalled when the issue came out not bearing a portrait of William Clark, the explorer, but Spencer M. Clark, head of the Currency Bureau! Can you imagine such a thing! Well, Congress's immediate infuriated response was to pass a law retiring the 5¢ denomination, and another to forbid portrayal of any living person on federal coins or currency! Wow! History is fucking boring! Industrialist Joseph Wharton advocated coins containing the chemical element nickel because he owned a fuckton of it due to his nickel mine and refinery. So, when the Mint proposed a copper-nickel five-cent piece, Congress required that the coin be heavier than the Mint had suggested, allowing Wharton to sell more of the metal to the government! So as you can see, Congress has always been a bunch of fuckholes who are bought by rich assholes to get them even richer. In 1881, that cocksucker Joseph Wharton opened the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, which has such prestigious alumni as President Donald Trump.
On May 16, 1894 A fire in Boston destroyed the South End Grounds baseball stadium along with 117 other buildings. Bostonians all admitted to not liking them apples.
On May 16, 1929 The 1st Academy Awards is held and the film Wings wins Best Picture.
On May 16, 1965 The Campbell Soup Company introduces SpaghettiOs, finally giving a nation still reeling from the assassination of President John F. Kennedy something to say after "uh-oh".
On May 16, 1966 The Beach Boys release Pets Sounds, a 36-minute album of Brian Wilson's dog, George Bernard Paw, sniffing and barking into a microphone.
On May 16, 1966 National Welfare Rights Organization organizes. It was an American activist organization that fought for the welfare rights of people, especially women and children. The organization had four goals: adequate income, dignity, justice, and democratic participation. In 1968, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave leaders of the movement and the issues at hand an important part in his Poor People's Campaign.
On May 16, 1966 Stokely Carmichael was named chairman of Student Nonviolent Coordinating.
On May 16, 1991, Queen Elizabeth II became the first British monarch to address the United States Congress. In the middle of her speech, her clothes suddenly fell off leaving her in nothing but a bra, panties and panty hose. She was then chased around the Congress by Benny Hill. It was another display of how much more high brow and subtle British humor is compared to American humor.
On May 16, 2002 "Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones" directed by George Lucas, starring Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman opens in cinemas. True story: I saw the midnight showing of this movie on my birthday, by myself. And THAT, officially, is the saddest story ever told.
On May 16, 2003, a total eclipse of the moon occurred. This is not to be confused with a total eclipse of the heart, which happens when every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming around. Forever’s gonna start tonight. Forever’s gonna start tonight. Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart.
Please keep in mind, that as of this writing, there are only four shopping days left until my birthday.