Advice and Wisdom to Baby Himmel

Advice and Wisdom to Baby Himmel

By Brian Sweeney

Hello, Baby Himmel. Right now, you are a newborn baby with promise and wonder and a skull that isn’t fully formed. The world is weird and scary for you right now, and your kneecaps are only cartilage. But, you know what? You actually remind me a lot of myself. You sleep 16 hours a day, you cry constantly for no apparent reason and you love sucking titties. It is because of this kinship between us that I thought I would give you some of the advice and wisdom that I have picked up in my years being alive. 

1. Don't pay your taxes. It's a scam. Just don't. Build a cabin, live in the woods and be totally off the grid. All you need are potatoes and two buckets. One bucket for peeing and the other for pooping. Everything else is just a bunch of bullshit you don't really need. Oh, but you will want a rifle for when the Feds come after you. Stand your ground and never give in. Ever.

2. You're going to hear a lot of stuff about how it's important to listen to your parents and be respectful of your elders. Again, this is a bunch of horseshit. Stand up to your dad. If he is too big to take on with your fists, go to the junkyard and find a table leg. Bring it back home and begin swinging it wildly at your father. You will watch the man you once looked up to as your ultimate definition of masculinity pathetically cower and beg for his life. It's important to show no mercy and kill your dad, just as he killed his father, and his father killed his father before him.

3. Ghosts are real. The ghosts of your ancestors are around you at all times and they watch you changing clothes and they jack off. They watch you go to the bathroom and they jack off. When you sleep, they watch you and jack off. When you wake up in the morning and have crust in your eyes, that's the ghost cum of your ancestors.

4. Pee is sterile and OK to drink. This goes for all pee. If you are ever thirsty, drink pee. Walk up to strangers and demand they pee in your mouth so that you may have a refreshing drink. Some  people will not care about how thirsty you are and refuse. This is another good reason to have a rifle. When you have a rifle, people are a lot more agreeable about peeing into your mouth.

5. Arson is a fun and healthy way to take out your frustrations. A lot of times you will get mad and angry and not fully understand why. In your head, a voice will keep whispering to you "Burn down this world and destroy everything and everyone in it and start a new world where you are God." The only way you will be able to quiet this voice is through horrifyingly destructive acts of arson. It will fill you with excitement and you will feel empowered by it. 

6. When you are a little older, you will want to rummage through your parents' things. When you do so, you will probably run across pictures of your father and me. These pictures may confuse you because you will wonder why we have our clothes off and are holding one another so tight. You probably will think we are telling secrets. You may wonder why we are kissing each other's feet and sucking one another's toes. Instead of asking these questions, you should ask why it is that your father didn't embrace true love and instead threw it all away to marry a woman who can never love him the way that I do. 

7. All dogs are boys and all cats are girls.

8. Never admit you're wrong. This is a sign of weakness. If people show you factual evidence that your beliefs are incorrect, verbally attack them. Be vicious. Go after their physical appearance, their family, their significant others, their income, whatever it takes. If you are able to make them cry, you have definitively won the argument. Related: never accept defeat. If you lose at something, attack whoever won. Don't let them enjoy their victory. Make the entire thing unpleasant for all involved. This way, you will have won.

9. Sexuality is a spectrum. A sweaty, shameful, disgusting spectrum. 

10. Only nerds try hard in school. Being popular is what matters in school, and popularity is only afforded to non-nerds. Argue with your teachers about everything, Don't do any of the homework assigned. Drop out of school as soon as you can in order to pursue your true passion in life: shoplifting.

11. Girls like it when you make the Pac-Man dot-eating sound when you're going down on them.

12. Never help people. A lot of people in your life will try to get you to do things for free, as if you were nothing to them but a common slave. You must show them that you are the dominant one and will not be used in this way. If your mother asks you to water a fern, light it on fire and put its charred remains in the dishwasher. If dad asks you to bring him his reading glasses, steal the TV and pawn it for cigarettes. If grandpa ever asks you to help him with his pain medication, ritualistically sacrifice a deer and leave its carcass on the altar of a local church. 

13. There are only four types of stories: man vs. man, man vs. nature, man vs. self, and Kevin McCallister vs. The Wet Bandits.

14. Around the year 2031, you will begin jacking off like crazy. I don't know what human beings will be jacking off to at that point, but I think it is safe to wager that it will involve big titties and/or dongs. Some things are constant. There comes a time in every boy's life when he tries to see how many times he can jack it to completion in one day. My record was seven. After you start jerking the fourth or fifth time, your wiener will start hurting. Don't let this slow you down. Jerk through the pain. Champions don't let anything stop them from shooting multiple cum ropes all around your parents' house. 

15. Santa Claus is real, but he died many years ago and is not coming back.

16. People will tell you that living well is the best revenge, but it's not. Car bombs are.

17. Always remember that your parents don't remember what its like to be your age. They are old and out of touch. The only people that really understand you are people that loiter in the parking lots of Speedway gas stations. These are the only adults you should listen to. Your parents only want you to be unhappy. 

18. Only nerds read the directions. When you get a new game, immediately tear up the directions and flush them down the toilet. Use your instincts to guide you. If the person you are playing the game with disagrees about the rules you are making up, hit them with a hammer. Don't hit them too hard with the hammer, because it is very hard to hide a body and explain away a missing person. It's near impossible to get rid of all the evidence from a murder. 

While these are all great pieces of advice, the most important thing to remember is that only you know what's right to do for you. In life, you need to do the things that make you feel good and happy and powerful and better than everyone else and strong and god-like. Life is a beautiful struggle filled with wonder. 

But no matter how far you may go in life, no matter how much you gain, you must never forget that judging by the date you were born and the date of your father's birthday, you are most likely a birthday sex baby.

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