Interview With The Nine Year-Old — Halloween Edition!

Interview With The Nine Year-Old — Halloween Edition!

By Brian Sweeney

This is an in-depth Halloween interview with my girlfriend's 9-year-old daughter, Charlotte.

This is 100 percent real.

OK, Charlotte, how old are you?

What do you think?

Alright. Are you excited for Halloween?

I guess.

Are you scared?


Do you believe in ghosts?


Why not?


Why not?

I don’t know. It’s just, apparently, people believe in ghosts and don’t believe in ghosts. I mean, my friend Evie, she is like saying all these things like, “Oh my God, there’s ghosts everywhere! They don’t see them! I see these 3 a.m. videos!” And she talks about 3 a.m. sometimes, and what I tell her is — I ask her some questions, and I tell her, “One, editing. Two—”

That’s not a question.


That’s a one word statement.

Stop it. So, I ask her some questions and she answers, and what I tell her is, “They’re not real and they’re just trying to trick you for views and just to get in the Halloween mood and stuff and there’s editing, so they edit stuff and it might be a scene. And plus, how did they know this was gonna happen? How did they know all this stuff so they could get it on camera? And like, she used to believe in Charlie, Charlie.

What is that?

It’s like a doll. Like, what you have to is — How to play — like, there’s a game and it’s like a horror thing. So, Charlie, Charlie, apparently possesses— You have to get a piece of paper and then, it’s a game, and you have to say, “Charlie, Charlie, are you here?” And then it would move if it was — if Charlie was there and it would go to “Yes” or if it was staying — if it pointed the “No,” to “No” or just didn't do anything, then Charlie, Charlie wouldn’t be there.

Do you know what Ouija boards are?

I know something about it.

Because that’s kind of the same thing as Charlie, Charlie. You’re like “is there a ghost here?” And the thing moves and it says “Yes.”

Um, there’s these things, I don’t know what they’re called and you have this giant board and this little thing where lots of people have to move—

Yeah, thats a Ouija board.

Yeah, um, so, um, there’s this meme and it said — and so all the people said, “What’s your name?” And then, they moved it and they said “WHAT THE F!” And then everyone was choking each other.

So you don’t think you can buy a board game and talk to a ghost through it?


Do you know what Bloody Mary is?

Yeah. Where you go into a bathroom and you say like something, you do some stuff. All I remember is, you say “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary” three times and then you flush like two times.

You flush?

I don’t know.

Like, the toilet?

I don’t know. So, I think it’s, you turn around three times, you flush the toilet two times and then you— And then you spin around again and say “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.” I don’t know. Something like that.

So, what is the scariest thing?


Would you rather fight a vampire or a killer clown?

Uh… Get a gun and shoot them. Easy way!

You can’t kill a vampire with bullets!

Ahem. I meant, just frickin’ get a flashlight and shine it at them.

Do you know how to kill a vampire?

Yeah, like, light. And tomatoes.


I mean onions!



And sunlight. Not just light.


And a stake through the heart.


Stake through the heart.


Yeah. It’s a wooden… It’s a wooden… Never mind. So, on a scale of one to five, tell me how scary this is.

Oh no.

How scary is this on a scale of one to five?


Really?! You were that scared by it?

No, I’m not! Three.

So you are kind of scared by it?


How scary is he on a scale of one to five?

Not really scary.

Do you know who he is?


Frankenstein’s Monster.

How scary is that on a scale of one to five?


Two? So Dracula was the most scary.


How scary is he on a scale of one to five?

That has a visible mask.

Yeah, but he’s supposed to.



That’s scarier, right?

Yeah. Don’t show me that. It’s nighttime.


There he is in New York.

(laughing) Why? What?

Because they made Part 8 and he goes to New York.

But why?

Because he’s on a ship and he goes on the ship and kills people and then the ship goes to New York and he gets out and he walks around New York.

That’s stupid!

Hey, you said he was really scary! Everything becomes stupid after a while. So, is Jason scarier than the clown from IT?

Who’s Jason?

The guy in the hockey mask.

I’m not sure.

So, they’re equal scary?

I guess.


What about this.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

So dolls are scary?

I mean, I like dolls but I don’t have an aphobia of dolls.

So that was scary?


Five out of five?

Yeah! What do you think?!

I don’t know! Because you were talking about how stupid the other stuff was, and with dolls you can just kick them across the room. If a doll doesn’t sneak up on you— That’s the only way a doll can do anything. If you see it you can just pick it up and throw it out the window and lock the door. What’s a doll going to do?

Get a knife and stab the door!

But it’s still a doll. You can just get a large box and put it over the doll. It’s not a doll with super-strength. So, that’s why I wasn’t sure if it was scary or not.

I mean, I know it’s fake but my imagining gets the best of me.

But, that’s like what you were saying about the 3 a.m. videos. It’s the editing and stuff to make it scary.

But, I know it’s fake. for some reason I keep telling myself, “It’s real. No, it’s fake. It’s real. No, it’s fake.”

But, that’s the fun of watching movies because you know, like, Iron Man is not flying around for real, but your brain stops thinking, “That’s not real, that can’t happen,” and you just start enjoying things.

For once!

Brian Sweeney is a contributing author to the book Welcome to the Future Which is Mine.

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