The Brian Sweeney Travel Diaries: Mackinac Island Part III

The Brian Sweeney Travel Diaries: Mackinac Island Part III

By Brian Sweeney

Read Part I here. Read Part II here.

Part III: Spa Day

The long drive to Mackinac gives quite the pains to the lower back, so I had the idea to schedule massages for Mary and myself at the Lilac Tree Spa on Mackinac Island. Mary decided to forgo the spa and elected to get a manicure and pedicure instead. We woke up early and caught the first ferry to the island.


My sinus infection was still bothering me, so I stopped to get some tea before we boarded. Truth be told, I was not feeling well. I wished I had seen a doctor before I had left and gotten some antibiotics. Alas, tea was the only thing I had to help my stuffy head and sore throat. A lot of people say I’m a hero and more brave than firefighters. Those aren’t my words, but I agree.

We arrived to the island before the spa was open, so we wandered aimlessly down the main street. There are many t-shirt stores and many t-shirts for sale that are a variation of “I own a gun and will use it to literally murder anyone who has sex with my daughter.” To be fair, having the sex talk with your daughter may be uncomfortable, so it is easier to threaten premeditated murder on anyone who ever views her as a sexual being. The real problem is murdering someone and then digging a deep enough hole with a shovel by yourself and then getting rid of all the evidence. I feel like having a shirt that states your murder plan is a legal risk.


I feel that getting daughters ready to accept that they will mostly be having sex with losers should be a years-long thing. No matter how many guns you have, you are never going to stop high school blowjobs in your own living room from happening. The sooner these dads accept that simple truth, the sooner they can have an honest discussion and strengthen the understanding in their relationship with their daughters that isn’t “You have a pussy made of solid gold and I own it!”

Mary and I finally checked into the spa. I received a deep tissue massage and must have dozed of When I awoke, the massage room was empty. I walked out to the lobby and there stood Freddy Krueger! “Oh no! Freddy Krueger!” I screamed.


“What?” Freddy said.

“You’re going to kill me!”

“No, I’m not. Will you please stop that?”

“Wait, what?”

“I work here. Have been working here for three years now. I don’t kill people in their dreams anymore. I’m now a licensed massage therapist.”

“But… Wait… What?”

“I’ve moved on with my life. I don’t know why you and so many people have to judge me on my past instead of my present.”

“But, you’re Freddy.”

“Fred. I go by Fred now. Fred Daniels, actually.”

“Fred Daniels?”

“Yes. My other name had too many connections to my past. That’s not who I am anymore. It’s not who I want to be. I live here on Mackinac Island with my wife, June. She works as a librarian at the Mackinac Island Public Library. It’s a good life.”

I felt like a real jerk. Here I was judging this man instead of applauding him for turning his life around. I’m happy to say that Fred Daniels was gracious enough to accept my apologies and he even agreed to take a picture with me!


Mary and I left the Lilac Tree Spa. Mary had her newly manicured fingernails and newly pedicured toenails painted in a wonderful shade of turquoise. My sinus infection was still bothering me and it was putting a damper over the entire vacation. My insurance would not allow me to see a doctor outside of the state of Illinois, so I didn’t know what to do. I called my doctor back in Illinois and was able to send me a prescription for antibiotics to the nearest Walgreens! This was seriously a joyous moment for me.

Mary looks at  Fort Mackinac .

Mary looks at Fort Mackinac.

We had lunch at Winchester’s


…and then decided to go back to Mackinaw City, so I could get my antibiotics. Mary decided she wanted two scoops of ice cream on a gigantic waffle cone.


As we arrived at the dock to get back on the ferry, I said to Mary that we should just wait for the next one, because of the fact that she has an ice cream cone the size of a four-door sedan. As I have established earlier, Mary is the most stubborn person I have ever met. So, she said it was fine and she would just eat it fast. The guy on the ferry said if she was bringing food onboard, she would have to sit on the top deck. She said that was fine. I said, “No, the wind is going to push all the ice cream all over you.” She argued with this, because she is insane and said it would be fine. We took our seats on the top deck and again, I said that the ice cream was going to go everywhere. Mary again disagreed. I said that even with her superpower of stubbornness, she still cannot break the laws of physics. She, again, disagreed.

Mary ate that ice cream as fast as she could.

Here is the visual story:


We arrived back to our motel room with Mary looking like she had just axe murdered Count Chocula’s family.


I drove out to the Walgreens in Cheboygan, bought my antibiotics and a humidifier, and returned back to the motel.

Full of antibiotics and a new humidifier, I stood victorious, prepared to enjoy the hell out of my vacation.

To be continued…

Brian Sweeney is a contributor to the new Scott Dikkers-led parody book, Welcome to the Future, Which is Mine, by Not Elon Musk.

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