Brian's Corner | Christmas Questions Answered

Brian's Corner | Christmas Questions Answered

By Brian Sweeney

As holidays go, Christmas is the big one. The granddaddy of them all. The capo di tutti capi. King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Sorry all you non-Christians, but you know it's true. You may try to talk about how important and great Yom Kippur or Ramadan or Yukka Nu Hii or Ascension of Bahá'u'lláh or Vesak or Diwali or Jonathan Lipnicki's birthday is, but you really can't compare to Christmas. That's just the way it is.


But, while Christmas is the most wonderful time of year, I do have a few questions that have always bugged me when it came to the whole Birth of Jesus thing. I won't question why they waited until Mary was ready to pop before making their trek to Bethlehem, which was a journey of nearly 90 miles, even though that seems insane. No, my questions aren't about the ride to the birth, nor are they theological questions, they're just basic, standard questions.

1. Was Mary's hymen still intact?

Mary was a virgin, even though she and Joseph were married. This calls into question what type of man Joseph was. Joseph was a descendant of King David, so you know he could've been all up in all kinds of poon if he wanted.

A hymen is the thin piece of tissue that partially blocks the entrance to the vagina. I know that a hymen can separate when the body is stretched strenuously, like in athletics. There's a lot of various ways a woman can break a hymen without intercourse.

Some women must have their hymen surgically removed before the birth of their first child because it is so flexible or small that it remains intact during intercourse. So, if Mary did have a hymen, and I'm going to assume she did, Jesus must've hurt like hell to birth. Hopefully God sent down a Holy epidural.

2. Who cut the umbilical cord?

I mean, they were in a barn. Jesus was a placental mammal, which means he had an umbilical cord attached to Him. The only thing I can come up with is that Joseph must have bit through the thing. Or maybe they made one of the animals do it. 

3. What did they do with the placenta? 

I don't see what they could have possibly done besides feed it to one of the animals. Then the animal that ate it most likely gained super God powers.

Many theologians actually believe this is most likely where the story of Underdog came from.

4. How did Mary not get infections?

Again, they were in a barn. They were surrounded by animals and animal shit. It’s 2018, and women commonly get infections giving birth in sterile hospitals, and nowadays the majority of hospitals only have a limited amount of ox feces in them.

5. Why did Mary put Jesus in a manger?

Now, a manger is "a trough or box of carved stone or wood construction used to hold food for animals." That's where Mary decided to put her newborn baby who also happened to be the Son of God who is going the be the King of the Jews and the savior of mankind. In a trough. If I were one of the Three Wise Men, I would’ve called the Bethlehem DCFS immediately.

6. How long did they stay in the barn?

It is common for a woman to stay inside to rest for two or three days at minimum. Doctors say that babies under a year of age should not be put in direct sunlight. The temperature in the area of Bethlehem in December averages around 44 degrees Fahrenheit but can drop to well below freezing, especially at night. But seeing as how Mary thinks nothing about putting her newborn in a trough, maybe she didn't think being frozen would hurt.

I'm sure that you agree that these are questions that must be addressed in order for Christianity to survive. 

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