Literate ApeCast Ep. 48 — Eating from a Dog Bowl After Yom Kippur

On the eve of Yom Kippur, David tells us about he and brother’s ritual involving baseball , fasting, and a dog bowl, Don shares his lesson from the Special Olympics, and the opportunity for personal growth, the difference between a babysitter and a nanny, and the fact that Fortnite is causing divorces all come up.

Also, the chimps throw you six things to do to keep your otherwise meaningless days filled with distraction.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 46 — “You Know I’m White People, Right?”

Idiots burning their shoes, meta-pornography, police brutality, equity politics, and the ability to talk to the most strident of our population. It was an interesting news week and the Apes certainly had things to yammer about.

Plus six things to consume that will hopefully give you enough things to talk about at work that it hides the fact that you spend most of your time playing FortNite and taking pictures of your food.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 45 — Sometimes a Conversation Can Give You Whiplash

This episode occurs at a point when both monkeys needed some Ritalin or something as they both jump from topic to topic in a rambling mess of conversation. From why neither have seen Crazy Rich Asians to why Don doesn’t wear white jeans, to the touchy history of the phrase “lawn jockeys” to the heroism (or lack thereof) of John McCain, this ride is all over the place!

Plus six things to do (and another six to avoid) to give your otherwise pathetic lives just a smidge more potency.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 43 — Has #MeToo Peaked and Is It WAY Too Soon? ​

Do bad habits indicate you’re smarter than the rest of us or just that you’re a sloppy, late, fantasy who suffers from poor time management skills? As the #MeToo movement is starting to find equilibrium with Arizona Ansari and Chris Hardwick recovering from accusations of harassment and abuse, is it too soon or just right?

Plus six things to do this week that do not involve grabbing someone’s pud or biting your nails.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 42 — Is Offense The Same As Pain Or Are We All Just Glass Joe?

Don reads an article about The Nation redacting and apologizing for a poem they printed which starts out a rambling conversation centered on whether offense is pain, whether Hamilton is problematic, and how Mike Tyson’s 90’s video game was incredibly diverse.

Plus six things for you to do because the screen has boot your brain and you seem to need two assholes in Chicago to spice up your vapid life.

Literate ApeCast Ep 41 — Solving The Problem Of Trump Anxiety Syndrome

Today, David and Don tackle the shadow of anxiety recently defined as Trump Anxiety Syndrome. Dancing around the idea that therapy is either necessary (David) or quackery (Don) both agree that allowing a jackass in the White House cause you to cower in fear or depression is a completely avoidable thing.

And, because your life is filled with so much time to stare at your screen and fill your craven heart with dread due to the non-stop headlines about our Commander-in-Quife, the guys suggest six things more productive.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 35 — Lactose Intolerant AND OCD About A Clean Bunghole [NSFW]

OK, gang. This one is definitely not for the weak. An intense discussion of clean assholes, rim jobs, whisky dick, and cracking under torture due to an aversion to dairy gets fairly NSFW. I mean, we assume you play this podcast loud in your office every week, so don’t with this episode.

AND we throw out some great suggestions to occupy your time as the globe swiftly spirals toward oblivion.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 34 — Can Unconditional Love Exist Or Can Don Sell David’s Kid On Craigslist?

The boys dive in deep with a serious disagreement about the concept of unconditional love. Does it exist? If there are conditions, is it really love? Does breaking trust mean the relationship is over? All started as a discussion of the weight of new parenthood, things start to spin out of control as David creates a bizarre hypothetical to get Don to admit he’d divorce his wife and the semantics take over.

Plus, six things for you to do this week because without structure and a list, your life is a meandering shuffle through procrastination and staring into the void, eventually succumbing to the existential despair that only post-2000 living can bring.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 32 — How To Win A Broken Relationship

The chimps in a living room discuss David’s reunion with the parents of an ex-girlfriend at a wedding this weekend and his desire to make sure they relate how amazing his life is now to his ex. They also reveal the podcast’s only Apple Podcast review and David provides a response.

Plus, six tasks for you, the unwashed listener, to occupy your time so can avoid thinking about the emptiness of the daily plummet toward your own demise because you can no longer watch Roseanne for distraction.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 30 — Money Does Not Have To Destroy Your Marriage

More marriages end due to money issues than any other reason so the Apes dive into strategies to keep it from disintegrating before your eyes, jump down the cliff of the anxiety of freelancing some more and glide down memory lane pointing out some of their favorite vacations.

Plus we get a “you were there” recording of David’s grandmother seeing his tattoo for the first time and as always, six tasks for you to accomplish this week so your own money-deprived wedded hell blowing up in your face doesn’t cause you to end your week in a gutter with a tampon soaked in heroin in your ass.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 29 — Your Personal Truth Is a Bunch Of Crap

How much of what we read is truth and how much is fiction? Extrapolating from the works of both Tim O’Brien and Oliver Sacks, the monkeys in charge go down a rabbit hole of the impossibility of finding objective truth when our brains are not hardwired to see it. From fiction to storytelling to accusations and jury duty (with a quick detour into the Kennedy Assassination), these two idiots still have no real answers.

They do, however, have six tasks for you to attempt for the week that will ensure you don’t burn your eyeballs with the image of your lint-filled belly button while eating only Hot Pockets and jerking off to the same PornHub video of step siblings humping while mom is away.