All in Post-It Wall Notes
If someone asks you to not yell at them and you respond by yelling, “I’M NOT YELLING AT YOU!” you’ve revealed your true intentions.
Does Elmo go to school? Because I wouldn’t mind seeing that little red monster take a bullet in a school shooting.
The best part about having a birthday as a married man is that for twenty-four hours, you’re 100 percent guaranteed that your wife won’t look at you like you’re a stupid idiot. It’s the best gift any happily married man can receive.
Clocking in at 3 a.m. when the bit of work is the last thing on your day’s to-do list couples a sense of mania with the feeling of awesome productivity.
Then again, how effectively productive were you if you’re going to be wrapping your day up at 5 a.m.? Putz.
It’s not just men who are ruining things for women. It’s also the women who agree with the men and support them. Selfish and mean behavior is as fluid as gender itself.
The man sitting in front of his computer loudly spoke into his phone. “Define debauchery.” I answered. “Yelling at your phone in a library instead of typing the word into your internet browser.”
Those who make their birthday a month-long celebration are greedy, self-centered, and obnoxious.
Avoidance is also a great tool to use when constructing your happy life. Save your energy for your art and raising your children to be kind, but funny people.
• Two things I’ll never do:
1. See the Notre Dame Cathedral pre-fire
2. Have sex with a virgin
Easter was canceled. They found the body.
Here’s a new term that must be incorporated into our lexicon: “Momsplaining.”
the explanation of something by a woman, typically a mother, and typically to a man such as her husband or boyfriend, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing (ironically enough).
Jussie Smollett’s face as he spoke to the media after the Cook County State’s Attorney dropped all charges against him struck me as way, way, way more smug than that of the MAGA hat kid.
According to a New York Times and Morning Consult poll, parents are so involved with their children’s lives that they’re killing the kids’ life skills. We don't want this for Harrison. And this is why now that he's one year old, he'll be wiping his own ass. And mine. Furthermore, he'll be able to rig a sailboat and navigate the health insurance marketplace by kindergarten.
• Being a white male without student loans is not Bad Privilege. Having your parents bribe your way onto a collegiate rowing team is Bad Privilege.
• Speaking of… Lori Loughlin surrendering to the FBI would make a great plot point of a Lori Loughlin Hallmark Channel made-for-TV movie.