An Open Private Letter From Don Jr. To Don the First
Salutations. You will be pleased to know my subversionary tactics are still keeping that dastardly free press hot on their smugly clicked heels. Why father, my namesake, I hope you are sitting down, because that is surely the safest and most controlled place to shit yourself out of excitement from. Standing leaves a trail, and upside down is impractical. So sit, then afterward walk bow legged to the kitchen to take off of your pants and have the help scoop it into the nearest receptacle just like you taught me on my 14th birthday when you told me my pool house was getting an escalator to my pool table.
Are you ready? Okay.
I gave them all the evidence of my collusion with the Russian government.
Are you done shitting yet? I’ll wait.
It’s brilliant! It is as if I am the Michael Jordan of basketball. But instead of basketball, I am playing a game wherein I am he who fools the most. A David Blaine of trickery, if you will. But not that. Something else like it though.
Imagine. Just imagine! I stand before the jury, myself my own defender. “It’s true, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” I say, slyly, smiling slyly, “I did it. Yes, I did kill this man. Here is a video of me doing this thing. What more evidence need you to convict? For by the letter of the law I am guilty of this infraction, and therefore am obligated to serve a sentence in prison.”
The tension in the room sufficiently built to levels of like a really scary movie, scarier than a pregnancy scare. I subsequently break it with the following, “Now, if I really did all this... why then... why... would I tell you and show you I did it?”
I wait. And after a few moments, the cigar fallen from the judge’s mouth and the jury’s pants fully shat, I declare “...why indeed.” I then turn around and sashay out of the courtroom to the tune of Simple Minds' Don’t You Forget About Me, my index finger wagging at the sky as if to say “Oh yes I did.”
This is basically what I just did. This is totally what it feels like I did. From now on, when I tell this story, this is what I’m going to say happened. I need you to back me up on this. When people ask, tell them I defended myself in court with this flawless rebuttal of my guilt and sashayed away. Can we also declare that I was knighted, and have a degree in both law and dentistry? I’ll explain later.
The true believers will agree and those who don’t are probably liberals who are probably women who are probably gay who are probably blah blah blah some other minority too. What I’m getting at is they aren’t voting for us. I mean you but really I mean us because we’re building a dynasty here. We’re going to be the Bushes of politics. Except we win more. As if we are a pre-adultery Tiger Woods with the adultery and coke binges still in tact and instead of golf it’s politics. Something like that.
Just keeping you updated. I am also making this letter public to subversively prove that we are morally upstanding and have nothing to hide. This tactic is flawless.
With Love and Cackles,
Sir Donald J. Trump, Jr. Esquire, D.D.S.