The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The GOP Task Force to Make Schools Safer
By Joe Janes
The GOP Task Force to Make Schools Safer
11:30am this morning
The White House - Conference Room #AR-15
In Attendance: President Trump, Betsy DeVos, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Marco Rubio, John Kelly
- Trump: Thank you all for meeting me here, today. We just want to put the finishing touches on the bill you’re working on to make all our schools safe. Little Mario?
- Rubio: I think we all agree on metal detectors. If the Parkland shooter had to go through a metal detector, he would have thought twice. It makes me think twice about flying. And it’s really deterred terrorists in our skies. There have been zero mass shootings on US airplanes.
- DeVos: Bears don’t like them, either. Metal detectors will be an issue, though. They won’t work for children in wheel chairs, which, as I understand it, are made mostly of metal. An alternative would be to put them all in their own special school, away from normal children, like I’ve been wanting to do.
- Trump: Kids in wheelchairs are the first to be shot, anyway. The slowest. Easy targets. Not able to hide. I’d shoot them first, if I were a shooter. Even if I didn’t have a gun. We also all agree that all qualified school personnel- teachers, janitors, cabana boys - all get a gun.
- McConnell: What counts as qualified?
- Trump: They want a gun and they want to shoot bad people. The schools should pay for their own guns, but I bet we can get a discount through the NRA. They have the best discounts. This will also be a big boost to American gun manufacturers. And steel workers. Guns are made out of steel, right? And bullets? Okay. Oh, and school nurses! Let’s get them trained to treat bullet wounds. We can turn their little offices into little surgical thingies, like on MASH. Kids love MASH. They love that Hawky. My kind of doctor. I could have been a doctor. Everyone told me I should be a doctor. I have good hands. Strong, solid, able to reach tiny bits of shrapnel. Maybe we can get Alan Alda to be a spokesperson for our program. Have him dress up like Hawky. Get it out to the kids and their parents. He’s s feminist. I like women, too. And the MASH thing can make a shooting educational. They can learn about whatever war that was. Okay. Metal detectors, armed good guys, MASH units, just in case, what else do we need to keep our kids safe?
- Kelly: Maybe we could do something along the lines of offering more school programs that encourage participation and belonging. (Everyone laughs)
- Ryan: I suppose you want us to raise the age limit for someone to buy a gun, too.
- Kelly: Well…
- Rubio: My state-
- Trump: Shut up, Little Mario. Everyone knows Florida is crazy. Raising the age limit just won’t work. Believe me, I know. Kids are too clever. Have you ever seen a fake ID? These kids can do incredible things with their computers. They’ll go out and buy a six-pack of alcohol beverage and a semi-automatic weapon. Not only will we have shooters, we’ll have shooters that can’t handle their booze. Oh! I know! Build a wall around the schools. It works for Israel. Make the nut jobs pay for it. Make their parents pay for it for doing such a lousy job raising them.
- McConnell: How can we tell who the nut jobs are before they shoot anyone?
- Trump: You can tell. Everybody can tell. They’re the ones who show erratic behavior. Zero empathy. Just wants to do away with anyone who disagrees with them or shows them up. You know, nut job. Check their social media accounts.