Emergency White House Task Force Meeting
November 1, 2017
The Oval Office
9 a.m., right after “Fox & Friends”
ATTENDANCE: President Trump, Vice-President Pence, Chief of Staff Kelly, Secretary of Labor Acosta (That’s me. I’m taking the notes. President Trump really doesn’t understand what a Secretary of Labor does, so I do what he tells me to do. In this case, take notes.)
- Shortly after “Fox & Friends", an emergency meeting was held in the Oval Office. Chief of Staff Kelly informed the president that the Whitehouse was presently on fire.
- The president said that none of this would have happened if he were in power.
- Vice-President Pence reminded the president that he is in power. Speaking of, the President wanted to know how outfitting Air Force One to be coal-powered was going. Clean Coal. Because it’s good for America.
- The White House is on fire, reminded Chief of Staff Kelly.
- “We’re hot!” said the president.
- “Because we are on fire.” Said Chief of Staff Kelly
- The president assured everyone that he has this handled and he even has proof that he has it handled. He alone can fix this. Wait and see. He also offered everyone a Diet Coke because all he has to do is push a button on his desk.
- Vice-President Pence interjected that the president should put down his smart phone because the curtains behind President Trump are engulfed in flames and it is becoming difficult to breathe.
- The president said they are on fire because Obama’s failed policies set them on fire. The American people overwhelmingly elected him to put out the reckless fires of Obama and Crooked Hillary.
- Even though Hillary was never president, this relieved everyone as they took it to mean President Trump agreed the fire should be extinguished.
- Then they read the president’s most recent tweet:
Why should I put out the fires? They’re not my fault. Let congress do it. Now, let me hop in my coal-powered golf cart and go to the dining hall. I need a tasty snack. #METOO #MYLIFEMATTERSMORE #KEEPYOURKNEE
- Chief of Staff Kelly and Vice-President Pence told the president that congress already offered their thoughts and prayers about the fire and they felt it was too soon to do anything about it. The fire now spread to the carpet and the cuff of one his pants legs. At the risk of politicizing the flames, the president quickly signed an executive order banning the immigration of unwelcome fires to the residential area of the building. Most of the text roasted to a dark brown before erupting into a flaming red state. He offered to give everyone a ride in his golf cart away from the heat. Except me. I’m just a secretary.