What the Fuck Are We Celebrating Again?

By Don Hall

Today is the 241st anniversary of the beginning of the country called The United States of America.

I’m in Marion, Kansas (arguably ground zero for the horrifyingly Monster Shit Experiment known as “Trickle Down Economics” in my lifetime) with my family as we eat too much food, drink lousy store-bought beer and blow up shit designed and manufactured by the Chinese.

I take it for granted why we do this until we are doing this. On this day, my question, in between sips of Miller High Life and carelessly lighting fuses with a tiny blowtorch, is why? What exactly are we celebrating today?

Happy Fourth of July!

When a group of rich, white, male slaveowners banded together and created a system of governance designed for the wealthy in order to pay less taxes to a foreign power.

or

Happy Fourth of July!

When a group of Christian men, motivated solely by the voice of the Christian god, wrote and signed a document that established the most imperialist country only second to the country they came from in the first place.

or

Happy Fourth of July!

When a group of men established yet another brick in the Wall of Patriarchy by excluding women in the process.

or

Happy Fourth of July!

When a group of arguably brilliant men got together and, despite the host of competing ideologies and philosophies concerning governance, money, human rights, foreign involvement, equal rights for all, and everything else under the sun, managed to debate, fight, bribe, cajole and compromise their way into creating a framework for a democracy rigid enough to keep things unified while still allowing us to improve upon it in some cases and fuck it up in others.

Take your pick.

Me? I’m just enjoying this brisket sammitch, this cold beer, and exploding shit with my family.

This is a picture of George Washington, right?

This is a picture of George Washington, right?