A Few Hours I'd Like Back: Bullshit Time Wasters of 2017
What a fucking year, amiright?
Holy crap. It boggles the tiny ape brain to even take a Faceborg trip through the timeline and revisit it. Like, it physically hurts the joints to reflect on all of the general awfulness of what will become known as The Year We All Lost Our Fucking Minds. I just puked a little on my pants typing that.
It's ending, though, which merits at least a quick listicle of things I wish I hadn't forced myself to experience and, goddamnit, I wish I could go back in time and get those precious hours of my life back.
#8: The Controversy About Hedly Weiss
That was this year, right? Hold on — let me check.
Yup. 2017. That clusterfuck was high on self-righteous posturing and caused an awful lot of Faceborg blocking on my part. What a waste of time and energy for naught. Fifty or so Rage Profiteering, Virtue-Signaling Dipshits decide to use their newfound power of social media call out to publicly shame and oust a long-time Chicago critic. And failed.
Also having to explain over and over that I am not accidentally misspelling her name.
#7: Transformers: The Last Knight
When I consider how much money it cost to make this abortion on wheels, it makes me want to randomly find children on the street, put a paper sign on them that says "Michael Bay" and kick them until they bleed from the eyes.
Oi. I can't think of a bigger waste of time banking on smoking guns that would get a Republican Congress that openly supported an Alabama child molester to impeach a sitting president because of Russians taking out Faceborg ads.
#5: Anything to do with that Kendall Jenner Pepsi Ad
#4: Trump's Twitter Posts
Christ on stale toast, the almost non-stop distraction this motherfucker provided while Congress was busting their hump to undo everything created by Obama to FDR. It's like they paid him to create completely innocuous controversy to obfuscate their nefarious plans.
#3: The Dark Tower
Aside from the lesson to never wage war with a country with little to lose (Vietnam, Afghanistan, North Korea) the most long-lived and indelible rule of thumb is Do Not Fuck with the Exact Text of Stephen King. The man writes cinematic gold. Your big creative input is wholly unnecessary and the result is a steaming pile of shit. You assholes managed to ruin a movie from a Stephen King masterpiece starring both Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey. You suck.
#2: Defending White People or Men or White Men for any Reason at all
It's true. White People, in general, are crap. So are Men. Not one to self-loathe, it's a pain in the ass to be lumped in with the bros and pedophiles and supremicists but I suppose it's high time we get the broadstrokes shitstain everyone else has endured. I concede. I am the enemy. Justify your need to be an asshole to me on the oppression of people who share a trait with you but you have never encountered in your life.
#1: Arguing About Anything on Faceborg
Seriously. I could count on, like, four additional years to do things I enjoy for all the time I've spent this year arguing online with the Alt Right and the Rage Profiteering Left this year. The shaming tactics, the call outs, the lack of perspective or basic common sense represented by zealots of both sides of the aisle were and are maddening. I did not, however, have to wind myself up and pretend that I was going to convince them of anything. At all. Ever.
I think, if I were the kind of happy idiot who indulges in making resolutions, I'd boil it all down to "Wean Self Off of Social Media Because it is a Waste of Your Precious Lifeblood." But I'm not a resolution type of guy.