Wonder Woman Movie Leads to Gender War and Potential Human Extinction
Austin, Texas — A small skirmish outside of the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema’s Ritz Theater has ignited a gender war unparalleled against anything in recorded history and may lead to the very end of humanity.
The altercation, which occurred during opening day of the Wonder Woman film, involved longtime fans of the comic book, sensitive feminists, fan boy misogynists, members of the Lynda Carter Fan Club and teenagers who enjoy superhero movies.
Approximately 80 of these people, all ticket holders for the theater’s 4:15 p.m. showing of the first live-action feature film based on the DC Comics character, stood in line waiting to gain entrance inside when the kerfuffle began. There are conflicting reports from witnesses at the scene as to what initially sparked the argument between 42-year-old Brad Jensen, a cosplay professional, according to his Facebook and LinkedIn profiles, and Hannah Templeton, a 26-year-old blogger for If Hillary Won, a website that offers assumed and hypothetical news stories based on an alternate reality where Hillary Clinton won the 2016 Presidential Election.
According to some, Jensen, who was nicknamed The Gorilla in high school because of his bulky stature and hairy body, was dressed in a complete Wonder Woman costume—red bustier, blue leather skirt, red knee-high boots, tiara, bracelets, lasso and shield—was bemoaning the Alamo Drafthouse’s decision to offer women only screenings of the film later next week.
“He wasn’t really talking to anyone specifically, he was just sort of saying really loudly how unfair and sexist it was that men weren’t allowed to watch the movie,” said Catherine Rogers, 32, a marketing professional who has never read the Wonder Woman comics and does not remember the 1970s television show staring Lynda Carter. “I think he was there by himself.”
After several minutes of Jensen’s complaining, Templeton spoke up, Rogers said. “I heard her say something about it being women’s turn to get their own superhero movie without men there to ruin it for them.”
Despite both Jensen and Templeton having tickets to the same all-gender screening of the film, the exchange intensified with name calling, witnesses said.
“I heard him call her a ‘typically emotional feminist.’ Then she called him a ‘lame virgin,’” said Harry Cooper, 40, a vintage furniture collector. “Then he blamed her period. And she told him to go back to his mom’s basement. Then he called her a slut. Then she said he had a small dick. And then he said that it’s no surprise Hillary lost with supporters like her, and that’s when things got ugly.”
Both Rogers and Cooper say that others joined in on the name calling with divisions being almost exclusively down gender lines. Rogers said someone, a man “probably in his early 40s,” called her a “dyke.”
“I actually called some girl a dyke,” Cooper said. “I don’t know what came over me. Sexuality has nothing to do with this. I just felt so threatened.”
Things calmed down once the theater began accepting ticket holders in. All attendees of the matinee screening sat through the movie without any trouble, according to a statement from the Alamo Drafthouse. However, once the movie let out, the vitriol began again.
“I thought it was all behind us after sitting through that totally awesome movie together but it seems that men are just too threatened by a strong woman and realize that because Wonder Woman was like a million times better than Batman v Superman, they realize that men’s days are numbered,” Rogers said. “Seriously. This movie was like Avengers good.”
“I’m not threatened by strong women. I’m glad this movie didn’t suck. DC needed this win and it was high time Wonder Woman got her own film. Did you know that she’s about as strong a Superman? And she can fly. And she still has an invisible jet. And she has some telepathic abilities and the Lasso of Truth and the bulletproof bracelets. Like, her stuff is almost cooler than Batman’s stuff. Plus, she’s hot,” Cooper said. “Seriously. This movie was as good as the Avengers movie, easily.
“What I don’t understand is how this movie does anything to destroy the evils of men,” Cooper continued.
News of the childish name calling and how both men and women loved the film spread quickly through social media leading to the current gender war the nation is facing. At the time of publication, approximately 142 million men have been accused of being virgins who live in their parents’ basements while an estimated 150 million women have been called dykes by the opposing gender. Meanwhile, sales of Wonder Woman comic books, action figures and other film-related merchandise has skyrocketed.
But all that may not matter because if this gender war continues to accelerate at its current pace, the world is at risk of becoming devoid of gender, according to Mary Anne Williams, PhD, a gender expert, associate professor of women’s studies at Spellman College and the author of I’m not a Dyke, You’re Just a Virgin Who Lives with His Mom, and Other Facts We Get Wrong.
“We’ve seen this coming for a while now. The unequal pay, the defense of rape culture, infant girls being forced to wear pink headbands… The odds have not been favorable to women for most of human history,” Williams said. “Specifically in the United States, the election Donald Trump was thought to be the final blow required to kick off this gender war but even that wasn’t enough. It took a movie about an Amazonian princess, the daughter of Zeus, to finally push both men and women over the edge. We are actually facing the extinction of gender as we know it.”
So what does a genderless world mean? Williams said that it could lead to us becoming so confused over gender identity and so resentful of the opposite gender that we still can decipher that sexual desires will wain then cease. We will become a world that no longer procreates, which will lead us down the slow path toward extinction. However, there is a silver lining: A genderless world will make going to the bathroom in public places far less confusing. Some think that’s a good thing, like movie goer Catherine Rogers. “I think it’s high time women got access to urinals, too,” she said.
“I’m surprised it took a Wonder Woman movie to be our Extinction Level Event. But hey, any change is good change,” Williams said.
And while Wonder Woman is poised to destroy box office records, not everyone in the country is rushing out to see it. Cynthia Riverson, 39, is a stay-at-home mom in Sioux Falls. She has two teenage daughters and has forbidden them to see the film.
“A woman running around with super powers saving the day and being completely empowered and independent? I don’t think so. That’s the kind of fantasy nonsense I don’t want my daughters exposed to. This is the real world and we are facing real problems like Muslims,” Riverson said. “Besides, my husband is a Marvel guy, so… And isn't Wonder Woman a dyke?"