Our Two Children

By David Himmel

Being a responsible parent is hard. It’s a constant job; one that allows for little rest or leniency. America—the collective citizens of this country—has been having a hard time being a responsible parent. For years, really. The latest result of this deficiency is the exhausting, moronic and dangerous behavior of our two favorite children, little Donnie and Hillary.

Let’s talk first, but briefly, about Donnie. He’s a petulant brat who lies in such fantastic ways about things both insanely mundane—the weather—and awesomely important—the safety of the nation. He refuses to learn from his mistakes and even from his successes. He holds grudges and lashes out at anyone and everyone within earshot or access to the Internet.

We’ve tried helping him. But, like a typical bratty little wanker, as we attempt to tie his shoes so he can go play on the South Lawn, he keeps kicking us in the dick. “Stop kicking us in the dick, Donnie! If you don’t put your shoes on, you can’t go outside. And since you’re too much of a stupid baby to put on your own shoes, we are here to help you. Stop! Stop kicking us in the dick! This hurts.”

Our other favorite child is Hillary. She’s not petulant but she is a brat. She is cocky, unaware of other people’s feelings and seems unable to show any real human emotions. It is not clear yet whether she is a sociopath or just autistic. Hillary is constantly getting into trouble and blaming it on everyone but herself. And while not everything is entirely her fault, she has done very little to avoid landing herself in sticky situations.

At times, she acts even more entitled than Donnie, and that’s our fault because we convinced her that it was her turn to be president, not Donnie’s. And that is wrong—wrong, wrong, wrong. What we should have said to her was, “Hillary, being elected President of the United States is not the same thing as getting a drink at the water fountain during recess. There are not rules for turns. There are no turns. It’s not one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi and then NEXT! You have to try really hard to be president. You have to listen to people and relate to them and engage with them and come down off the pedestal you built for yourself and be, well, a good candidate.”

As Hillary’s parent, we know that she would have made a fine president. But fine is as good as it gets, albeit better than Donnie. The thing with Hillary is that she can do the work quite well. It’s getting through the interview process where she struggles. So again, we’re not sure if she’s sociopathic or autistic.

Donnie’s future does not look good. And it doesn’t look good for our other kids who are close to Donnie like little Mikey, Kevin and that scamp Ry-ry. And while every parent recognizes when their child needs to be put in time out or grounded or jailed for treason, we are coming around to this truth. However, should it come to that, it will hurt us—America.

Yet, there’s a part of us that will rejoice in Donnie’s failure. It will cease further damage done to our nation, and in a way, it rights our wrong. But we still have Hillary to worry about. Despite the hard lesson presented to her with the loss in November, she has shown no sign of growth, or having learned anything about herself or the electorate. In this way, Hillary is the living symbol of the Democratic Party—the new donkey. Hillary is the kind of daughter who loves her parent just enough to put us in an old folks home so we won’t get lonely in our dying days. But it’s the old folks home right off the highway with the orderlies who sweat in our soup.

If Hillary—the Democrats—really loved us—America—she’d change her ways and just move elsewhere. We’ll gladly welcome her back during the holidays. But she knows we’ll take the bait. God, we always do. We just love her so much. I mean, she’s our little Hil-hil. Still we know that if we allow her to keep doing what she’s always done, nothing will get better. Even if Donnie is booted from office, nothing will improve.

In fact, like Donnie and Hillary, we as a parent, need to teach by example and change our own ways.

We are America. The mongrels who make up our government are our children. It’s time for some tough love. It’s time to hold our children accountable. It’s time we become a responsible parent.