• The appreciation for nostalgia is subjective. Saying, “I grew up with Bono,” is a whole lot different than saying, “I grew up with Brandi Love.”
• Remember the Saturday morning cartoon Disney’s Adventures of the Gummi Bears? It would have been cool if in the final episode, the Gummi Bears were devoured by a giant, diabetic 7-year-old.
• It’s worth reevaluating your life when you have a black mold test done in your home and it comes back negative and you’re severely disappointed.
• If you think Colin Kaepernick is the problem and that Nazis are kind of OK in certain situations, you might be a redneck.*
• Jerry Lewis lived an honest life, a truly honest life. Where most people die, we remember them as dearly departed saints, but in the case of Jerry Lewis, he’s remembered for being exactly what he was: a really funny but total fucking prick.
• When I look back on my life thus far, the thing I’m most proud of is that I have never used Groupon.
*Adapted from the incredibly clever comedic stylings of Jeffrey M. Foxworthy