Let's Not Have a Military Parade, Let's Have a Military Blowout

Let's Not Have a Military Parade, Let's Have a Military Blowout

By David Himmel

About a month ago, #NotMyPresident who is, in fact your president, Donald Trump told his befuddled and dimwitted military leaders that he wanted them to put together a great parade through Washington D.C. I call the military leaders befuddled and dimwitted not because I lack respect for the military, but because all reason stands to show that they are befuddled by just about everything President Trump has done in the last 13 months and are too dimwitted to sack up invite him to a “training exercise” that would cause his hair to catch fire and his lips to be singed shut.

The top military brass is especially befuddled by Trump’s most recent request for a parade. Because America doesn’t do military parades. They’re expensive and they remind everyone of the countries we’ve built (and are dismantling) an empire on by hating and fearing such as Russia, North Korea and China. American parades, traditionally, are for celebrating a victory, as was the case with the parade in D.C. in 1991 after we won Desert Storm, and for commemorating specific holidays like Memorial Day.

 Trump's inspiration for the military parade. He said it was what he saw in Paris but we know better.

Trump's inspiration for the military parade. He said it was what he saw in Paris but we know better.

A military parade is shit talking, it’s muscle flexing, it’s showboating. It’s exactly Trump’s cup of tea. (Ha! As if that guy has ever had a cup of tea.) A military parade is protesting too much. America shows its military strength by being cool. America sits back with sunglasses on inside smoking a cigarette before smoothly strutting across the dance floor, grabbing the other dude’s date out of his arms, bending her back and kissing her before carrying her off to the bathroom for the most passionate bathroom fuck she’s ever had. In this metaphor, the girl is foreign governments where we install leaders and operate clandestine missions.

Every time America rolls up its sleeves to bare its arms, it gets its ass handed to it. See Vietnam and the Bush-Cheney Wars. Hell, even during World War II America played it cool. Yeah, it went charging in but only after Russia and Britain kicked the door down and took the first and most hits.

No one wants to see a military parade. This is Trump whipping his dick out to impress a white trash stripper. And in this metaphor, We the People are the white trash stripper. It’s also Trump trying to scare North Korea, which is not something I think is possible. North Korea is too batshit crazy and cocky like a teenager to scare.

If Trump wants to wave his military around like a child showing you the thumb nail-size booger he just dug out of his nose, Trump should do what America has always done: Have an airshow.

You go to all the landlocked airfields across this Great Nation and you bring in the tanks and the jeeps and the bombers and the fighters and you load them up with blanks and pyrotechnics and you press play. The swooping and booming and bursting will thrill We the People and show the world that we’ve got the hardware and funnel cake stands.

Never mind the worry of funding the thing because you can charge admission. People have always lined up for these shows and they won’t mind forking over the dough to get a peek at a Stealth Bomber soar overhead while ground pyrotechnics erupt into fireballs, simulating the heated death of our will-be enemies. Of course, you can’t do this with the Chicago Air and Water Show. Rubes in highrises and beach chairs and on boats get to see America’s might for free — subtracting the cost of your boat fuel. I suggest canceling the show this year. It’ll hurt attendance at the air show in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, which should not only be chock full of vintage planes but also the latest in America’s death tech. Hell, admission prices could even be jacked up from the $76 two-day pass to $150 if they include live torturing of Gitmo prisoners. Go even bigger! Turn it into a country music festival. I'd like to see someone try and shoot up that show. Egads! Lee Greenwood could perform!

Like the great circuses of Barnum, there could be side shows along the airstrip. A Gender-specific Daddy-Daughter Dance; a small film festival featuring the complete catalogues of John Wayne and Ronald 'The President' Reagan; a greenhouse where rich men can pump their boners into exotic potted plants; a dunk tank where true conservative women attempt to dunk a liberal woman in a pink pussy hat while she breastfeeds her infant daughter.

The crown of the sideshows can be where a small, rural police department displays its armored vehicles, tear gas and grenade launchers, high-powered automatic rifles and riot gear as its high school-educated officers kick down the door of a black teenager's home as he and his friend play vintage Nintendo games and smoke weed.

An estimated 590,000 people attended the Oshkosh show last year. If the same number of people attend and all pay $150 to see simulated death, which is a whole lot more fun than just watching a tank plod down Pennsylvania Avenue, the United States would net $88.5 million. Get enough of these shows going throughout the Union all summer long every summer during Trump's first administration and — boom! — you’ve got yourself a fully-funded military or a balanced budget. Imagine a world where the arrival of a potential government shutdown isn't more frequent than the period of that slutty liberal woman in the dunk tank.

Trump ought not to march our weapons and soldiers down the street like its opening day of a suburban little league, he should put our weapons and soldiers into simulated combat and a little real torture. Direct Message videos of that to Kim Jong-un. It might not matter much to the dictator but it’ll give Trump what he wants, which is the chance to puff out his chest and wave his teeny pecker around while our military gets the recognition it really deserves in the form of cash money at the door. 

Of course, while all that showboating in action is going on, Russia, having learned from the U.S.’s Cold War tactics, will quietly and coolly infiltrate our socio-political system and bring us down from the inside out. 

My God, it just occurred to me that the U.S. and Russia today are the exact opposite of what they were 30 years ago. It’s like we’re living in some kind of Freaky Friday movie. I wonder if Kim Jong-un has seen that. The one with Jodie Foster is better than the one with Lindsay Lohan.

I Believe… [Age is Just a Number That Means You're Old]

I Believe… [Age is Just a Number That Means You're Old]

Life After Hate

Life After Hate