I Just Fixed Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean Ride

By David Himmel

Disney is catching some hell for changing an icon.

The company recently announced that it is dropping the Wench Auction from its Pirates of the Caribbean ride at its parks. A spokesperson says it is because times have changed and selling women as brides isn’t funny anymore like it was in the 1960s and ’70s when America was great, I guess.

This rendering of the new wench attraction on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney theme parks. (Image lifted from CNN, courtesy of Disney.)

This rendering of the new wench attraction on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney theme parks.
(Image lifted from CNN, courtesy of Disney.)

And of course, people are up in arms over the change because it’s such a beloved ride. And because of that, Disney isn’t killing all off the wenches entirely. They’re keeping the redhead—a fan favorite—as the auctioneer. Cool. This gives a redheaded woman a leadership role, and #Feminism. Instead of auctioning off humans, she’s now auctioning off your loot underneath a sign on the ride that will read: “Auction, Surrender Yer Loot.”

“We believe the time is right to turn the page to a new story in the scene consistent with the humorous, adventurous spirit of the attraction,” said the company spokesperson, according to CNN—a news organization that couldn’t wrestle itself out of a paper bag.

But what’s funny about selling loot? Loot that you were forced to surrender? That’s robbery. Maybe robbery is funny because it’s part of a pirate ride at an amusement park that resembles a Japanese internment camp turned upside down more than anything else. But come on, auctioning off loot isn't funny. When was the last time anyone went to EBay for a good chuckle? The selling of a wench as a bride is—or was—funny because it’s absurd. Absurdity is a tenet of comedy, and therefore, funny. If Disney wants to make up for any wrongdoings, it can stop making Prates of the Caribbean movies.

But I understand why a ride geared toward families shouldn't feature men selling women into marriage. So here’s a better idea: flip the script and have a gang of female pirates selling off the men. That’s funny. And it’s a statement against the Patriarchy, so, again, #Feminism.

There you go, Disney, I just made everything better for you. Everyone wins. My invoice is in the mail.