Holiday Shopping Guide from a Drunk Copywriter

Holiday Shopping Guide from a Drunk Copywriter

By Dana Jerman

Folx, I don't mind telling you. The holidays are all over me right now. I chugged a few too many Lorem Ipsum shots last night over RumChata toddies and I need help picking out what to get my boss/lover/postal worker. My social faux pas will be trumpeted across the vast wastelands of social media if I don't get some assistance here. I'm ready to de-slack, crack open that plastic and get to work, but I can't decide...

Here are a few enticing last minute ideas via Stack Commerce:

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Desert Story Unframed Arizona Sunset Poster
For a mere twenty-one-fitty I got me a piece of de outback. The spirit of adventure will love living on my wall. no more messy white space. I come here just for the quality of words in the sky. How I feel is today and it is black in mass. It looks like a screaming puppet silhouette. it is thick, durable, matte and perfectly shown-off. There is a logo at the bottom and yellow in the middle. Are you stunned, too, at museum quality? I knew it.

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Something Strong Duffel Bag
Without a tongue a mouth can save big. On the side of this thing there's a mouth. Could a hold be guarantee if you feed it sneakers? No, not Snickers. Polyester is not candy nor is the sweat of escape and not from the leg press mind you. They think you're a gym in your future but valuables are not confident on their own. Essential zippered mesh knows a temporary getaway because overnight nylon is more noir. Make fun of that.

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Palette Professional Makeup Brush Collection
Fifteen to a pack that gets wrapped up reminds me of unsanitary teenagedom. Teenagehood. Is that a word? It sure can be wrapped. I didn't take its specific function seriously until cruelty came free and discussed the natural look. Was nearly a foldable mixed-up goodbye of premium synthetic pouches. That was my every day. Concealed smooth like an unmentionable damaged tool. Every single smudged foundation of bleeding blushing day.

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Exclusive Travel Puffer In Black (L)
The north face put its black face on. Let's get the suns attention but not one other thing. Porous no more. Asshole incognito ruffled deep cover stayin' warm but not fresh I get it. This puff says i do nothing but take and ducks hate me.

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My 10 Daily Goals
Hurry in two hour lifetime access to redeem my redemption deadline. You got goals and so do you. Watch back to important videos you took to remember. And what about the unfocused moment? Business is in there somewhere just waiting to drive you Jerry as a MENSA ad. Free this daily list from itself or spec it twice. It's like inspired Santa bundled these benefits. Do there have to be ten?

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Beachy Waves Duo Sea Salt Spray
If it's not about beachiness I don't know what. Vaccines maybe. No inoculation for oceanic intoxication. These red hot showering habits now come in smells. Play-tussle over my palmarosa cool off. Right over here, please. Team sexy texture just swallowed some geraniums and made my hairy waves keep back the grease cult.

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Whiskey Bullets and Cylinder Set
Nobody gets flavor like responsibility. I mean, really. Cheers to keeping it stainless. Consumption beyond reproach.

Except for in the shape of a tiny hi-speed mankiller. You can anodize any black aluminum you can find all you want in the end it won't do.

Here's what these pretentionating bozos can't understand: Liquor is quicker but ice is nice. Got a fat freezer stack delivered to that purpose. Chills and rechills. I got 'em too.

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Glowbar Speaker
Do you know who your party is? Yeah, smart. I haven't seen sync like this since '72 at 54. Bringing' back Studio memories bounced out for huffing coke in sonic booms. My inner eurotrash clubbing chubby missed out on this PB&J. It fits. Neighbor's babysitting underage rager spilled Boons farms on it. Charger fused but fine otherwise.

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