What The Duck!

By Chris Churchill

I. AM. OUTRAGED. Completely outraged! I am completely out of rage! I spent up all my rage! Now I’m plum out! No more rage can be squeezed out of me! SO…with my last bit of rage oozing out of my ear, I must announced that I am outraged at the depiction of ducks in the media! I see ducks everyday, minding their own business, not getting wet, looking panicked as they fly, really doing their thing with all their might and THEY want you to believe they are some ridiculous stereotype!

Exhibit one: "Donald" Duck. This white, pantsless muthafucka, is a buffoon! He does not represent ducks on the whole! Most ducks don't have a quick temper! Most ducks cannot stand shirts! And how does he button that thing?! Did I mention he and his girlfriend (who is an opportunist at best and a golddigger at worst) don’t wear pants?! Ever!

He can’t keep a simple job because of his anger! In one scene, forced down our throats by some Disney enthusiasts page on YouTube, this simple, short-sighted bastard had to listen to a giant cow or dog or something that was smoking a cigar as he explained how to do his job as bellman at a fancy hotel! First of all, we are to believe that a duck couldn’t work in a hotel? I’ve seen pictures of that hotel in Kentucky or Tennessee or wherever where the ducks work the elevator or some shit and THOSE DUCKS WORK! Secondly, when the simple concept of carrying someone’s bag becomes, inexplicably, too complicated for this idiot, he flies (not literally…that’s a different article) into a blind rage! Like the one I’m in right now! It is not simply insulting to insinuate that ducks can’t do a simple job but that they don’t have the emotional stability to work their way through problems! Have you ever seen that video where the ducklings got stuck in the sewer and that duck got some humans to help? I did! It was adorable. Donald is not.

Exhibit two: "Daffy" Duck. So, of course, they made the daffy one black! And then, after establishing his daffiness with idiotic song lyrics (because, of course, the black one can sing) like “Please pass the ketchup. I think it’s going to rain”, they completely abandoned his daffy persona and made him a whiney bitch! After he meets the smarter, lighter skinned, Bugs Bunny, he is suddenly no longer the star but, rather, some second rate, second class, not very smart, loser.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

In one interchange, Daffy and his “superior”, the rabbit, are arguing over which hunting season it is. Duck season or rabbit season. Seems like a reasonable enough premise. But WAIT! As they pull the paper notices of which hunting season it is off of a conveniently located tree, we realize that, apparently, someone has posted enough of these notices to last 30 years. “Duck season! Rabbit season!” Over and over again! I mean, come on. Ducks may occasionally mistake the interior of a discarded foam mattress for bread but they aren’t stupid. After some painfully long back and forth they arrive at “Duck Season”. And Daffy doesn’t even think to read the sign himself before saying: “Read the sign, you’re so smart”. The rabbit has, of course, switched the order of the sign, leaving Daffy hornswaggled once again! Typical.

I mean, I understand a joke. I heard one weeks ago and I legitimately LOLed. But this type of misrepresentation of an entire species of aquatic bird is irresponsible, despicable and immoral. Most ducks I have met are simply trying to get on with it. Just living life. A hard working dad, finding fish to regurgitate into mom’s bill. An ever vigilant mother who leads 12 kids across the street, without government assistance or welfare of any kind. They walk really cutely, they dive like experts and when they fly, they are working HARD. (Look into the eyes of a flying duck sometime, they’re barely staying up there.) Then there’s the uncertainty of what kind of bread, bagel or donut someone will feed them on any given day. They come home to the duckhouse at the end of a long day and have to hear 5 year olds from the 1940’s doing a Donald Duck voice at them. It’s terrifying and discounting of their personhood.

You may have noticed the lack of exclamation marks as this article has gone on. That’s because my rage has dissipated and transformed into just plain tired. I can’t believe that in 2017 I have to say any of this. But here we are. Ducks are still the last group that it is okay to discriminate against. Also stupid fat people with lisps and bad haircuts and unnaturally pervasive acne.

That’s still acceptable.