Brian Sweeney's Sexy Guide to Romance

By Brian Sweeney

As I was on my hands and knees with a wooden drumstick up my ass, I couldn’t help but think about just how hard it was to find your prostate by yourself.

I assumed it would be easy. But, it is, frankly, shocking how big the inside of your butt is. I mean, once you’re in there, the place really opens up. I guess I always assumed it was just, like, a cylindrical chute. I pictured it more or less like the giant slide they go down in The Goonies.

        How I think the inside of bodies work.

        How I think the inside of bodies work.

As you know, when you Google "how to massage your own prostate," you find several helpful links to sites that will often recommend using the broadside of a drumstick to hit your prostate gland. And before you ask, yes, I followed the advice of some guy named William who runs an HTML prostate massage blog and put the drumstick in a latex glove, put lube on it, and then inserted the lubricated drumstick into my anus about 4 to 5 inches. As you also know, when you are on all fours with a lubed up old "Guitar Hero 5" drumstick up your butthole trying in vain to find the male g-spot, it’s hard not to think how much easier this would all be if you had a girlfriend.

                                                                   Oh baby.

                                                                   Oh baby.

The single life has its advantages. The biggest advantage being that no one is there to see how disgusting you really are. You can clip your toenails on your bed and just let the clippings fall where they may! You don’t need to care about how long you take in the bathroom or how bad you make it smell. You don’t have to worry about your stained bedsheets or your abundance of pubic hair. You only have you to care about. If you want to dig in your bellybutton and then sniff your finger to see how bad it smells (and I know you do) you can do it. You are free. Free like the wind, baby! 

Unfortunately, all of those things are repulsive and not at all good, or even coherent reasons as to why you should not be in a relationship. 

Relationships simply make things less lonely and pathetic. For instance, masturbating when you’re in a relationship, it’s wonderful. You get to jack it and think, “I don’t have to do this myself, I am choosing to do this.” And then you shoot like five or six major cum ropes to Mia Malkova’s anal scene where she’s getting it in the butt and her sexy feet are right in the camera, on the website FOOTSIEBABES.com.

That’s just an example. 

Masturbating when your single, however, is not a choice. You have to jack it by force of necessity. You have to jack it and wish there was another way. A better way. And then you shoot like five or six major cum ropes to Mia Malkova’s anal scene where she’s getting it in the butt and her sexy feet are right in the camera, on the website FOOTSIEBABES.com.

              She seems nice.

              She seems nice.

Being in a relationship means that there is someone you can do sex with. You don’t need to rely on Mia Malkova’s ass and feet anymore. You can have real life ass and feet right there with you!

Relationships also mean that you don’t get to have your way all the time. There are things you have to sacrifice. This is the hard part of relationships. It’s hard because we are selfish and don’t like when we are told “no.” So, the argument becomes do you want a relationship or do you want to perpetually live like Tom Hanks in the movie Big, with bunk beds and video games and trampolines? The Tom Hanks in Big lifestyle is appealing. No one to answer to and nothing but fun times with your best friend, a 12-year-old boy named Billy. But without someone to really love and share it with, it all feels hollow. Things that you do and your achievements and successes have an emptiness to them because you don’t have someone to celebrate those things with. It’s great having 12-year-old Billy around to go to the arcade and do the “shimmy shimmy cocoa pop, shimmy shimmy rock” rap with, but after a while, you feel the need for romantic companionship.

                                 I'll always remember the happy times, Billy.

                                 I'll always remember the happy times, Billy.

As for myself, I’m very pro-relationship. Human beings are social creatures. Being with others makes our brains send out the powerful hormone oxytocin, which gives us feelings of happiness, trust and comfort, strengthening the existing bonds and relationships. It’s also so great when another person makes you cum

Sharing experiences is something we all love to do. If you see a great movie or eat a great meal, you tell people about it and encourage them to do the same. When you’re in a relationship, you get to actually talk to the person you’re with in real time while you’re eating the meal or watching the movie. You get to share in the joy. You also get someone who you can bounce your ideas and opinions off of and who will listen to your arguments about why the show Supernatural is the greatest show on television and seasons four and five are among the greatest long form stories ever told!

That’s just an example.

                                            Hell yeah.

                                            Hell yeah.

Anyway, I didn’t get to experience the mind blowing prostate massage enhanced orgasm that was promised to me by William. But, on his site, William does say that “having your prostate massage done by another person (who has even just normal length fingers), can often be much more effective than your own finger.” 

Well, thankfully, I have a girlfriend. And she has normal length fingers. 

I love love.


A version of this was first written by Brian Sweeney and performed by Derek McPhatter at Literate Ape presents Identity Flip: To Wed to Not on September 27th. Join us at our next Identity Flip: Jocks & Nerds, Tuesday, October 24th at GMan Tavern.

October 24 | 8PM | GMan Tavern

October 24 | 8PM | GMan Tavern