A Trilogy Of Terrifying News Stories
Hello boys and GHOULS! This is your BOOs reporter, Brian SCREAMey with the latest current aSCAREs!
Here’s a trilogy of terrifying nasty news stories to scare you to pieces!
Jason Voorhees Closes Out Summer Season With a Disappointing 7 Kills
CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE — With October here, the summer season is now but a memory. Along with the custom of cookouts, picnics and days at the beach, summer means another crop of nubile teenagers at Camp Crystal Lake being systematically slaughtered by unstoppable hockey-masked killing machine, Jason Voorhees. For over 30 years, Voorhees has doggedly stalked the Crystal Lake campground, murdering any teenager that he happens upon, averaging an impressive 16 kills per summer, twice rising above 20. This summer however, showed a downturn in his slaying, with only seven kills over the June–August season.
Some have speculated that the down economy was the cause of the low amount of deaths. However, Camp Crystal Lake showed no significant change in its number of campers this year.
"Camp Crystal Lake is as popular and prosperous as it has always been, if not more so," said camp owner Pamela Strand on Monday. "It could just be that Jason had an off-season. Or his age. Who knows? Next year he could kill 50 of our campers! You never know."
Sheriff Thomas Fielding said that he is "baffled" by the low kill count. "Just looking at the numbers, it doesn't make sense. Jason killed four teens in the last week of June. Two with a machete, one with a spear and the other by crushing his head with his bare hands. Typical Jason. But, then he doesn't reemerge until August 12, where he kills a couple having sex in a tent by shoving a hot poker into both of their bodies at the same time. Then, [on] August 18, he breaks a camp counselor's neck, almost like an afterthought. I hate myself for even thinking this, but it seems like Jason is sort of just going through the motions at this point."
While Jason Voorhees may not have racked up the numbers as he had in his past glories, it would be a mistake to count him out. In 1984, he killed 13 people before being chopped up into pieces and buried. He was resurrected in 1986 and went on a then record-breaking undead killing spree of 18 people.
"Smart money's always on Jason murdering up a storm," Strand said with a laugh.
Monster Easily Tears Through Closet Door
PEWAUKEE, WISCONSIN — On Friday night at approximately 9 p.m., Greg Torfulson assured his 5 year-old son, Bruce, that there was no monster in his bedroom closet, and that even if there was, it wouldn't be able to get through the door. Ten minutes after, a monster had torn through both the soft wood pine door and Bruce.
"You see this time and time again," says Q'aarzok, the monster, "Parents telling their kids that I couldn't possibly get through a flimsy closet door. I mean, I have supernatural strength, granted, but even if I didn't, it's not like it's a bank vault; it's a friggin' kid's closet door. I tear through it like Kleenex."
Q'aarzok claims he has eaten roughly 30 children this year, and says that closet doors are in no way a detriment to monsters. "The only way a closet door would stop me is if there had been some sort of ancient incantation. Even then, I could get through it, but it would be more of a hassle. That's why I stick to the suburbs, mostly. You don't find a lot of people in the suburbs familiar with Old World magicks."
Visitation for Bruce Torfulson will be at the Schmidt & Bartlet Funeral Home on Tuesday from 2:00–9:00 p.m.
Ghost Forced To Watch Wife Fuck Other Dudes
WESTON, CONNECTICUT — Stuck in the bedroom that he once shared with his 53-year-old widow, Barbara, the spirit of local dead man, Montgomery Prince, is forced to watch as she gets consistently boned out by other dudes. Barbara was there by Prince's side throughout his long illness. In the over three years since Prince's death however, she has moved on.
"This woman is insatiable," says Prince's ghost. "She just can't get enough. I tell you, this is not the Barbara I knew when I was alive."
Prince says that he has witnessed Barbara being fucked by many men, sometimes at the same time. "I don't know how she isn't sore all the time! She has one in every [orifice]. It would be impressive, were in not so indescribably painful for me to witness."
Prince's spirit has been tied to his former bedroom since his death, most likely due to some unfinished business. Unfortunately, he does not know what that business could be. "I pray that I may find out so that I can move on. I want my heavenly rewards. Or, at the very least, not have to watch my dear wife being brutishly sexed by countless men."