I am so Woke that it Seems like I’m Asleep but I’m not Because of My Wokeness: I’m Ready For 2020

I am so Woke that it Seems like I’m Asleep but I’m not Because of My Wokeness: I’m Ready For 2020

By Don Hall

Alright! The 2020 campaigns are starting and I couldn’t be more jacked! My daily outrage output has been a bit stymied this past year — hell, I even had to make up some outrage over stuff that I didn’t think was that big of a deal except I saw my black and brown Facebook friends being all “That ain’t right!” and “Look at the Whypipo!” so I just added some likes and some shares and once in a while called out another friend for not jumping on board.

The ramp up to Election 2020 is exactly what a cisgender, straight, white male ally needs to gin up the outrage and pick apart any hope for a Leftist Revolution to occur. It is notable to note that, in the 21st century, revolution doesn’t actually mean change but noise and, man, we know how to make noise, amiright, my other beta-males? We make so much fucking noise that every single Democrat announcing his/her/their/it’s campaign is starting off by apologizing for shit they said or voted for decades ago! Kamala Harris might be black and a cis woman, but she was a prosecutor and her allegiance to Law & Order (bada bum bum bum) requires her to skewer herself preemptively before we get to her. Don’t worry, sister, we’ll come for you anyway.

Even my main man Bernie has staffers who were all molesting and raping and harassing on his last campaign, so who else is there? Kirsten Gillibrand got rid of that titty-grabber Franken so she’s got a leg up on the #MeToo vote, but she was anti-immigration, and without a fealty to open borders, what good is she? Her feminism is about women, and that excludes black and brown women, trans women, disabled women, and probably includes body-shaming as a platform plank. Tulsi Gabbard has some serious intersectional street cred but she used to diss the gays so she’s out. Booker? Nope. Penis. AOC would be great but she’s, like, six years shy of being eligible. I might write her in anyway but only if I can take a selfie shot of the ballot and post it on my Insta so my black and brown brothers and sisters can give me hearts!

Perhaps my stance on the issues is a bit confusing so let me spell it out:

Far Right = Nazis

Whypipo = Worse Than Nazis

Trump Supporters = Racist Nazis

Centrist Democrats = Nazi Sympathizers

Smirking White Kids = Racist, Nazi Sympathizers Who Deserve to Be Punched in the Smirking Fucking Face (and I would — really, I would — except that that I’m pretty much only mean online cuz I have to be presentable at my Starbucks job and we went through an intense day of diversity training and I got a certificate for that, you know?)

Donald Trump = Stupid, Evil Idiot used as a Dupe of Putin

Donald Trump = Evil Genius Smart Enough to Steal the Election of 2016 as the Mastermind

Liberals = Passively Racist Nazi Sympathizers Who Are No Better Than Trump Supporters (unless they’re POC and then it’s OK)

Progressive Millennials = The Only Group Keeping Us From Sliding Into a Fourth Reich

Here’s the strategy: Candidate announces candidacy. We troll through their old Tweets, Facebooks, Instas, Snapchats, emails, public statements, interviews, and find why they are problematic. Understand, it is my personal adulting business to make sure that only the candidate with no personal baggage or any disagreements with anyone in my 8 percent of the United Skeets of (White) America get a pass. No Hillaries. No Bidens. 

In fact, like Susan Sarandon, I believe that black and brown people are better off with four more years of Trump than with any Democratic candidate with that kind of fake ally baggage. The best thing about Trump is that he gives me and my three friends, and expansive online presence something to organize around. I mean, who can even fathom a march against Elizabeth Warren? She isn’t even close to outrage worthy, and I gotta have my outrage or what else am I going to do with my time?

Hair Club for Dicks

Hair Club for Dicks

I Believe… [Why Billionaires Shouldn't Run For Public Office]

I Believe… [Why Billionaires Shouldn't Run For Public Office]