Woke Super Bowl Commercials

Woke Super Bowl Commercials

By David Himmel

Super Bowl Sunday is a time for most of America to share in a single experience: The Big Game. It’s when we set aside our disdain for the NFL for how it has handled the criminal behavior of its players, ignored the life destroying facts of CTE, and taken a stance in favor of confused patriotism. Because even if we hate football, we love commerce and there’s no better commerce than Super Bowl commercials.

Over the years, these commercials have been funny, touching, and inspiring. That’s no longer enough. We don’t want to know whether a brand’s product is any good, we want to know if that brand can do good, and if it is woke enough to realize that it has a responsibility to do good. Brands know that if their big ad doesn’t get the traction of Gillette’s online short film, they’ve missed the mark. This is why we can expect to see many woke commercials from our favorite brands this Super Bowl Sunday. Well, our favorite brands until they take a woke position we don’t agree with. And in that case, we’ll burn our shoes, razors, and soap, or whatever, the way Tom Brady and Bill Belichick should burn in hell.

Here’s a sneak-peek at some of the woke Super Bowl commercials we can expect to see.


Volkswagen – “Schindler’s Car”

Popular VW models transform into one another through the decades bringing us to today.

[V.O. – MAN]
A lot has changed in eighty years.
The way we live. The way we drive. The way we don’t kill Jews.
The all new 2019 Volkswagen Jetta. It’s not a Jew killer. 

[Volkswagen logo]

Miller Lite – “Great Taste, Less Rapey”

ALYSSA MILANO sits alone at a high top table in a sports bar with a fresh bottle of Miller Lite. A hive of activity occurs behind and beyond her as bar patrons mingle and watch the game on flat screen TVs. Alyssa speaks directly to the camera.

[ALYSSA]
Brett Kavanaugh drinks Budweiser. He probably fondled those horses, too. When you drink Miller Lite, you know you’re getting a great taste that’s less filling and isn’t the drink of choice for horse-fondling, rapey judges.”

[Miller Lite logo with text below]
#dontdrinkandassault

[ALYSSA V.O.]
Not my Supreme Court Justice.

Facebook – “The Fault in Our Algorithms”

A montage of happy moments. Videos and pictures and posts being shared, and liked, loved, and laughed at. 

[V.O. – WOMAN]
Facebook was created to connect us, bring the world closer together. Get Zuck laid. Make Sheryl Sandberg millions. We never intended to get called before Congress or become the plaything of Russian hackers. We kinda hoped the cyberbullying would have petered out after the first fifty-seven teen suicides. We should have stopped it. We could have stopped it all. But we didn’t. And now you don’t trust us. And Zuck had to testify before Congress! That’s bad! So, we’re making Facebook better. We’re changing the way you connect with your friends and family, and adjusting your feed so that you get the news you want to see, not the news you need to see. News that aligns exactly with the way you already think, presenting you with opinions you already have. We want you to trust us again. Please, lean in with us. Tell us what you want. We promise, we won’t exploit it.

Facebook ‘F’ logo appears on screen against brand color backdrop. The choices of LIKE, LOVE, LAUGH, WOW, SAD, and ANGRY appear above the logo. The iconic LIKE is chosen.

[Text]
#makefacebookgreatagain

Dove – “Coming Clean”

Chaka Kahn’s “I’m Every Woman” plays.

A black woman stands alone in a brightly lit, white room wearing a white spaghetti string top. She smiles. She begins to remove her top. As she does, she transforms to a Pakistani woman wearing the same thing. She smiles brightly. She removes her top. This time, it’s an Asian woman. This happens over and over again, each time revealing a different woman of color.

[Dove logo with text below]
Just because our soap is white doesn’t mean you have to be.

Pepsi – “#BLM”

CLOSE UP on the hands of a WHITE MAN as he opens a CAN of Pepsi and pours it into a large glass. The Pepsi SIZZLES with carbonation, the ICE CUBES CRACK and CLINK as they shift in the glass.

We PULL AWAY to reveal CHRIS PRATT has poured this refreshing drink. He’s in a clean and spacious kitchen. He flashes that Chris Pratt charm at the camera as he walks into his living room. 

[CHRIS]
You know, Pepsi really does believe that black lives matter.

He hands the perfectly poured glass of Pepsi to his guest: KEVIN HART.  

[KEVIN]
See, Kendall? You shoulda been black. Woulda had no problems. 

[Pepsi logo with text]
The Choice of a Black Generation

[small disclaimer at bottom of screen]
The opinions expressed in this ad do not reflect those shared by the NFL.

Starbucks – “Room for Change”

A montage of Starbucks stores that show how this one little coffee shop is a part of all the different Americas. The big city coffee shop, the suburban drive-thru, the airport food court, the downtown of a farming community. The customers and baristas interact like they are old friends. Urban hipsters and rural cowboys. The captain of industry and the student. 

[V.O. – WOMAN]
Our plans were to inspire our customers. The closest we got was inspiring an unhealthy obsession with pumpkin spice flavored foods. Sometimes, things don’t go as planned. That’s a lesson we’ve learned the hard way.
That’s why we’re not going to try and change the world all at once. We’re going to try and change it one person at a time. Not by forcing our customers into awkward conversations about race, but by serving our scalding hot burnt coffee in cups that are designed to be easily thrown at anyone who challenges your convictions.

Inside the big city store: A woman wearing a #MeToo T-shirt throws a cup of hot coffee directly in the face of an older man wearing a MAGA hat. 

At the suburban drive-thru: A conservative-looking mother with soccer-uniformed kids in the back seat of the SUV peels out of the parking lot and throws the cup of hot coffee on the homeless person asking for money at the intersection.

 At the airport food court: A Hasidic Jew and Muslim engage in a Mexican standoff.

In the farming community: A farmer throws his hot coffee at a teenager who is obviously his gay son. His gay son takes his hot coffee and throws it back at his farmer father.

[V.O]
We’re a company that sells coffee and Paul McCartney CDs, so it’s up to us to be the change we want to see in the world. The only way to end disagreements in America, is to end those who disagree with you.
Starbucks. We’re leaving room for change.

[Starbucks logo]

[Small text at bottom of screen]
This ad paid for by Howard Schultz for President 2020.

BIC Pens – “The Pen is Mightier than the Tweet”

SPLIT SCREEN. We walk back with a man and woman in their mid–late-thirties as they walk separately down the street. They are buried in their phones: texting, posting, sharing, etc. 

[V.O – MAN]
Most of us type things up instead of writing things down. But when there’s something really important to say, nothing says it better than a hand-written note.
Take time to write an apology letter to the girl you drunkenly kissed at the Beta house that one Halloween in college.

SINGLE FRAME. The man and woman meet on the sidewalk. They stare at each other.

BIC pens. She’ll always remember you.

[BIC logo with text below]
#themightypen

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