The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – From the Standpoint of Water
by Joe Janes
Speech Writers Meeting, The White House,
The Writers Room (basement)
Tuesday, September 18, 2018, 11:45am
Attendance: Donald Trump, Five monkeys banging on typewriters,
and a guy named Kiff
Minutes recorded by Mrs. Bananas
Donald: Good morning, everybody. Good morning, Bobo, Mr. Bananas, Mrs. Bananas, Cheetah, Freddy and…I’m sorry, what’s your name, again?
Kiff: Kiff, Sir.
Donald: Kiffsir? That’s right. How long have you been a part of my team, Kiffsir?
Kiff: Since the campaign.
Donald: Well, don’t be such a stranger, Kiffsir.
Kiff: This is the first time we’ve met.
Donald: Well, that’s going to change.
Kiff: We’re going to meet for the first time again?
Donald: Every day, if I can make it work with my tightly packed schedule. Kiffsir. I came down here to thank you and the crack team of writers for all the work you have done for me. There have been many iconic moments from my speeches that people often like to quote…”Lock her up.”, “Build the wall.”, “Drain the swamp.” Pure political gold, Kiffsir. How much do we pay you?
Kiff: $26,000 a year. Plus, health insurance.
Donald: Plus, health insurance? Wow. You’re a lucky fellow.
Kiff: I have two masters degrees – in English and journalism.
Donald: Keep up the good work and I’ll bet you get some sort of a raise or promotion. Would you like to go golfing with me sometime?
Kiff: I’d like that very much.
Donald: That won’t happen. But keep dreaming. It’s important to have dreams. Like somebody famous once said, “I have a dream.”
Kiff: That was Martin Luther King, Jr.
Donald: I don’t think so. It was about dreams. It was Freud or somebody like that.
Kiff: I suppose you’re right.
Donald: Kiffsir, I’m going to go visit North Carolina and I need a speech. A short speech. Something that says, “Wow. Hurricanes are big and wet, I’m here, people have died, blah, blah, blah.” I want you and your writers to come up with something that really, you know, sings. Without singing. I need a quote where everyone, the Trump lovers and the Trump haters go, “Wow. That’s inspiring.” What are some things other presidents have said after disasters?
Kiff: Well, President Regan after the Challenger disaster said, “They…slipped the surly bonds of earth and touched the face of God.”
Donald: I don’t want anyone touching my face. Germs.
Kiff: Understood. We don’t have to reference your face.
Donald: People will have been touching the water. Wet water. Very wet water. The wettest water that they or anyone has ever seen.
(Mr. Bananas types furiously.)
Donald: Looks like Mr. Bananas is in fray go.
(Mr. Bananas rips the paper out of his typewriter and hands it to Kiff who hands him a banana.)
Kiff: Thank you, Mr. Bananas. (Kiff reads the paper.) This is interesting.
Donald: Hit me with it, Kiffsir.
Kiff: “Nature is a fierce beauty to behold, to be reckoned with awe and respect. Heaven’s reminder that we are but small points of light clinging to this magnificent planet. There has been loss. Our hearts and souls are with those in pain, suffering from this hurricane’s fury. Standing with God’s blessings, we will persevere.” Wow, Mr. Bananas. I think you have outdone yourself.
Donald: Yeah. Yeah. I like it. Write it up. Get it to me a-sap. I might tweak it a little bit. Just a little. Make it better. Kiff, I think you and the team have done it. This speech will be one for the history books.
“This is a tough hurricane, one of the wettest we’ve ever seen from the standpoint of water. Rarely have we had an experience like it and it certainly is not good.” – Donald J. Trump
Water has never seen water so wet. Thank you Merriam-Webster.