The Brian Sweeney Travel Diaries: Mackinac Island Part II — The Arrivaling
Part II: The Arrivaling
"Brian, the room is on fire!"
I woke up to flames eating the curtains and wall of our hotel room. Oh great. Here we go again.
"Mary, what happened?"
"I don't know!" Mary said, putting the box of matches and kerosene behind her back.
"Well, we better check out."
We gathered up our overnight things and returned our keycard to the front desk. They didn't give us what I would call great service because they seemed to be too concerned with the spreading fire that was starting to engulf the hotel.
I walked to the area where they had the continental breakfast, but the sprinklers, that were trying in vain to fight the fire, had made everything that wasn't burned up into a soggy mess. "Well, that's just great," I muttered to myself as a fiery wooden support beam fell behind me.
We walked to our car, and after a few good morning yawns, and a quick selfie, we were ready to start the drive to our little slice of Midwestern heaven: Mackinac Island.
Now, I am going to tell you something about myself during the week or so before we started this trip. And when I tell you, I don't want to be hailed as a hero or some kind of superman. I hesitate to talk about this because I know that it just seems like I'm trying to look cool and sexy, and even discussing this will make any woman reading this get super wet. Ladies, if you don't want your pussy basements flooded, do not read ahead. If you don't want your lady garden turned into a swamp, stop reading here. If you don't want your skunk bunker submerged, skip the next thing I write.
You were warned.
Here it is: I had a sinus infection for the week leading up to our trip. This is a common occurrence for me, and I'm not saying that to brag. I get sinus infections four times a year or more. They often will be joined by bronchitis. But please, know that I am in a monogamous serious relationship with a woman I love, so do not try to get me to have sex with you. It won't happen. I'm sorry.
I thought (hoped) that I would be over my sinus infection by the time we left for Mackinac, but my sinuses, being fucking assholes, wouldn't allow this. I was still suffering. So, I needed tea. Hot, soothing tea. Luckily, I saw a billboard that would make both myself and Mary happy. A billboard for the Michigan-based coffee franchise Biggby Coffee.
Biggby Coffee had become a tradition to stop at whenever we would go to Mackinac. This was officially our third time going to Mackinac, and each year is better than the last. Biggby Coffee was founded in March 1995 as Beaner's by Bob Fish and Mary Roszel. Shortly after opening in 1995, people began commenting on how "beaner" is a racial slur for Mexicans. So the company decided it best to change the name a short 12 years later to Biggby Coffee.
As I'm sure you remember, Carlos Mencia tells a lot of jokes about beaners. Who could forget his classic character "Beaner Man" (this is a real thing)? The "Beaner Man" music video featured the band P.O.D. and Mario Lopez as Beaner Man's arch-nemesis Dirty Sanchez. In 2007, Carlos Mencia said about Beaner Man, "I have done it on the TV show, and now I have people in the movie industry who are going, 'We should actually do that up as a movie.' I am going to write that up. It might be fun."
The rest, as they say, is Beaner Man history.
We stopped at Biggby Coffee and Mary got some frozen mint chocolate chip coffee thing or something. I got some cinnamon tea latte bullshit. I don't know. I just wanted tea. But, this was fine and Mary was very happy. I also bought her a souvenir Biggby cup because I am the greatest boyfriend ever. I am seriously fucking amazing. And amazing at fucking. Anyways...
The drive to Mackinac is amazing. There are so many trees. Like, every tree in the world is on the way. It really is beautiful. Just like you. You are a beautiful tree. Remember that.
About an hour outside of Mackinaw City which is the city on mainland Michigan across Lake Huron from Mackinac Island, is the Topinabee Rest Area 407, Mile #317 off I-75. There is an incredible scenic view of the top of the forest and Lake Huron. When we arrived there, Mary immediately got out of the car, as if in a trance. She outstretched her arms and threw her head up. I asked what she was doing and she said "Communing with nature. There is no spiritual practice more vital than that. Interacting with the spirits of the trees and stones and of the water and the birds. Each plant, animal, rock, and other entity has a spirit. It's the consciousness resonance matrix."
"Oh," I astutely replied.
We went out to the observation deck and took in the beautiful view. It was romantic as fucking crap.
We took some pictures of us together, but Mary won't let me put them up here because she doesn't like how she looks in them. So, here's a picture of me and Selena Gomez on a Razor scooter overlooking the beautiful Michigan scenery:
We got back into the car and drove for about an hour and finally, we arrived at our destination: Mackinaw City. The city so nice they named it one letter different than Mackinac. We checked into our beloved motel that is right on the shore and went into our room. The smell of the room brought us both back into relaxed vacation mode. We both knew what that meant. It was time to enema all night. I unpacked the 24 boxes of Fleet enemas we brought and we began enema-ing it up! Tomorrow morning we would be all cleaned out and ready for when we finally go to Mackinac Island.
TO BE CONTINUED...