Very Important Thoughts

Very Important Thoughts

By Brian Sweeney

– August is the Sunday of months.

– Babies are like, "Oooh, I got a little baggie of Goldfish crackers." Fuck you, baby. I smash whole bags of that shit.

– So what did Santa do on foggy Christmas Eves before Rudolph? Just call it all off?

– An optimist would say the glass is half empty if it was half full of diarrhea.

– I bet sometimes an ant mistakes a piece of sand for a crumb and brings it back to the ant hill and happily announces, "I brought dinner!" and some other ant says, "That's a piece of sand, Carl." And all the other ants just shake their heads, and Carl goes to his room, having failed yet again.

– At a certain age, looking forward to things becomes having anxiety about upcoming events.

– We need to fight to stop the overturning of Roe v. Wade because I am not going to start pulling out.

– We should stop all these witch hunts because witches can bend reality and trap you in the woods forever.

– A weird thing about aging is how when someone dies your definition of the phrase "they were so young" gets looser‬ and looser.

– ‪If you can’t handle me at my worst, I accept your surrender.‬

– Regardless of everything, Sarah Huckabee Sanders was great as Silent Bob.

– Absence makes the heart play Frogger.

– I don't think the Bangbros are actually brothers.

– The weirdest part about Facebook is that every single one of us wishes we could delete our accounts and never come back.

– My favorite part of Les Misérables is when the group of young men are all singing about how this is their last night alive because tomorrow they’re going to fight the French army and surely all be killed in the name of revolution, and Marius is just sitting there singing about how he wishes he could fuck this chick he saw earlier on the street.

– I often practice looking surprised in a mirror just in case anyone calls me a sociopath.

– Your 30s are a lot like your 20s, only with constant lower back pain.

– At least 2018 answered the question, "What if Kanye West released an album and no one cared?".

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