The Minutes of Our Last Meeting — Witch Hunt!
Emergency White House Meeting
The Situation Room, The White House, Today, 11:30am
In Attendance: Donald Trump, John Kelly, Kellyanne Conway,
Rudy Giuliani, Sarah Huckabee
Recorded in secret by Rudy Giuliani, Sarah Huckabee, and Kellyanne Conway
Trump: Great rally, last night. There were more people in that arena than there are in the entire state of West Virginia, but the fake news media won’t report that to anyone.
Trump: Great crowd. West Virginia loves me. They still want me to lock up Crooked Hillary.
Huckabee: Sir, speaking of incarceration -
Trump: No collusion!
Huckabee: No collusion. - the press is going to ask me about Manafort’s convictions and Cohen’s claims you directed him to use campaign funds to pay off women to stay quiet about your affairs.
Conway: Alleged affairs.
Huckabee: Alleged affairs.
Trump: He never used my name. I didn’t hear my name. He said a “candidate”. That could have been anyone. I wasn’t his only client.
Kelly: Everyone is going to assume it was you.
Trump: Of course, they are! What other presidential candidate had the good looks and charm to bag a porn star AND a Playboy bunny while married to a sexy foreign model? Hillary? Bernie? Jill Stein? Maybe Jill Stein. She’s a little hot for a woman her age.
Giuliani: We should tell the truth.
(There is a pause and then a burst of laughter.)
Trump: Look, Paul Manafort is a good man. They only found him guilty of eight out of eighteen charges. He’s mostly innocent! The victim of a witch hunt. And Cohen is clearly just saying whatever he has to say to keep from going to jail. He’s lying.
Conway: That’s it! He’s a liar. He’ll say anything to keep his ass out of jail.
Huckabee: So, is that the plan, Sir? Manafort is a multi-millionaire victim and Cohen is spewing lies, saying whatever Mueller wants to hear. I like it.
Trump: Works for me. Remember last week when everyone was freaking out about me saying n*gg*r on a tape somewhere?
Kelly: Every week makes me nostalgic for the week before.
Trump: Don’t worry, my n*gg*r. There are no tapes with me saying n*gg*r. There is no tape of me pee-peeing on Russian prostitutes. There is no tape of me saying I like to grab women by the pussy.