Perfect Albums: WEEZER (1994)

Perfect Albums: WEEZER (1994)

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In 1994, one month after the death of Kurt Cobain, four lovable lads from California released their self-titled debut album. Weezer arrived to let everyone know that their name was Jonas and they liked garages. The album became known as "The Blue Album" due to it having a blue background.  I was a young boy of 15 years-old at the time. I had just recently gotten pubes and was masturbating at a tremendous rate. In between shooting thick, teenage cum ropes, I would listen to this album by Weezer and feel as much happiness as a sullen 15 year-old boy can feel. A different happiness than the self-manipulated orgasms I was giving myself, but still, a happiness. One time, while watching Fast Times At Ridgemont High, I jacked off seven times. There's a scene where Phoebe Cates demonstrates how to give a blow job with a carrot that made me pull my post-pubescent pud like I was tearing a tree out at the root.

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Life was slower back then. President Bill Clinton was still fairly new to the office, The Simpsons was still in what would be one day called its "golden age", Snoop Dogg was still Snoop Doggy Dogg and on trial for murder, and two days after the Weezer debut album was released, Jerry's girlfriend walked in on George Costanza after he had been swimming in the pool and saw his shrinkage

On the day of The Blue Album's release, an annual solar eclipse occurred that was visible over a wide swath of North America. This was actually a planned promotion by the DGC record company as they were owned by Sorath the powerful Sun Demon of Revelations.

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Weezer is made up of four members. Because of the black majicks the record company was using at the time, the number four was very important as it symbolized the four directions of Earth: North, South, East and West.

The lead singer/songwriter/guitarist is Rivers Cuomo.

Rivers (six letters) Cuomo's (six letters) Weezer (six letters) 6 6 6
The Blue Album. TheBlu (six) eAlbum (six) Record (six) 6 6 6

I remember buying this CD at an outdoor mall with my kind-of friend Dan Abernathy. I bought it solely due to liking the first single "Undone - The Sweater Song". "I bet that's the only good song on the whole thing," Dan sneered. I bought it, and then excused myself to go to the bathroom to masturbate, as I was still 15. 

When I got home, I masturbated again. Then, I put the CD on and was welcomed into the wonderful world of Weezer. 

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Track 1: My Name Is JonasThis is a song about how Rivers Cuomo is actually named Jonas. He has been living a lie this whole time. I felt honored that he would admit this to me, and also curious as to why he was seemingly so ashamed about being named Jonas. It wasn't an average name like Mike or Joe, but then again, neither was Rivers. I saw no reason why he should keep hiding this. I had to pause the song about two minutes in to go and masturbate, but then immediately returned and listened to the rest. The song was inspired by Rivers' brother who was having insurance problems after a car crash. Rivers says that the song "explains how 'The Plan' is reaming us all, especially my brother." My Name Is Jonas is a perfect song and one of the best album openers of all time.

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Track 2: No One Else- This is the first Weezer song that has Rivers laying out the ugly side of human nature that we all can uncomfortably relate to. He has a girlfriend who laughs when other guys say stuff and he wants a girl who will laugh for no one else but him. This type of illogical ownership is ugly, but very human. Rivers Cuomo is the master at showing these ugly sides of ourselves that we wish we didn't relate to, but do. He will explore this completely on the next album, Pinkerton.

Track 3: The World Has Turned And Left Me Here- Almost definitely the weakest song on the album, but still great. The worst song on a perfect album is still a better than 90% of other bands' songs. It is rarely played live. This song has Rivers' first overt reference to jacking off with "I just made love with your sweet memory one thousand times in my head/ You said you loved it more than ever". In Rivers Cuomo's jack off fantasies, he bones a thousand times. Absolute legend.

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Track 4: Buddy Holly- This song is what people think of when they think of Weezer. The Spike Jonze "Happy Days" video, the "ooh wee ooh". There's no references to jacking off, but it is about an Asian girl Rivers was dating that people made fun of, which is the "homies dissing" his "girl". The lyrics "your tongue is twisted, your eyes are slit" are problematic in 2018. 

Track 5: Undone- The Sweater Song The first of many times that Rivers thought he was writing serious lyrics that were immediately construed by others as joke lyrics. The song was based on an analogy favored by Albert Einstein. "I heard the analogy of the unraveling sweater," Cuomo said. "Dr. Einstein used the image to demonstrate the effectiveness of focused thesis statement in an essay. 'All I have to do is hold a single thread in your sweater and it will unravel as you walk away." Rivers told Rolling Stone: "I was trying to write a Velvet Underground-type song because I was super into them, and I came up with that guitar riff. I just picked up that acoustic guitar and the first thing I played was that riff. And it just feels so classic to me, even now when the band starts to play it, it just takes over the energy in the room and you’re just transported into the world of Weezer. It wasn’t until years after I wrote it that I realized it’s almost a complete rip-off of ‘Sanitarium’ by Metallica. It just perfectly encapsulates Weezer to me – you’re trying to be cool like Velvet Underground but your metal roots just pump through unconsciously.”

Here's Weezer performing the song on Conan in 1994. You can hear Rivers say hello to his mom, stepfather and brother, "Hi mom. Hi Steve. Hi Leaves."

Track 6: Surf Wax America A song about not wanting to work and just wanting to surf, man. Rivers had a Beach Boys phase and this is basically a Beach Boys song for 1994. It was often the last song at shows. 

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Track 7: Say It Ain't So A perfect song. Songs don't really get more perfect than this. Even at 15, I would wait until the whole song was done before I would go masturbate. This is the ultimate compliment. Rivers is a child of divorce. When his birth-father and mother were starting to break up, his birth-father began drinking heavily. Years later, he opened up the refrigerator and saw a beer bottle that belonged to his stepfather, Stephen. To his chlid brain, this meant it was happening all over again. "This bottle of Stephen's awakens ancient feelings. Like father, stepfather, the son is drowning in the flood.

 The garage.

The garage.

Track 8: In The Garage The ultimate anthem to social anxiety before everyone had social anxiety. A song about how Rivers has everything he needs to feel safe and happy so he never needs to go outside and see anyone. "In the garage I feel safe/ No one cares about my ways." He has his Dungeon Master's Guide, his twelve-sided die, Kitty PrydeNightcrawler and posters of his favorite rock group KISS. The song is almost definitely, once again, a reference to the Beach Boys song "In My Room" where Brian Wilson sings about his social anxiety and wanting to stay in his room where he feels safe. "The garage" that is being sung about in this song is the garage where the Say It Ain't So video was shot, which was part of the house that Rivers and bassist Matt Sharp lived in during the early days of the band. 

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Track 9: Holiday Possibly the most Beach Boys-esque song Weezer has ever done. It even starts with the lyrics "Let's go away for a while". There's a doo-wop acapella breakdown, organs and complex harmonies all packed into 3 minutes and 24 seconds. When my high school friends Marisa and Danyel would drive around, they would yell "National Weezer Holiday" and put this song on. That's a Brian Sweeney exclusive.

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Track 10: Only In Dreams This is the long song. The last one on the ten song album comes in at 8 minutes. This is the make out song. This is the song that many people got fingered to in the mid-90s. Just ask your parents. A song about a girl that you're in love with that can only be yours in your dreams. In the second verse, Rivers gets the courage to ask the girl to dance and she accepts, but alas, it's all only a dream. It is the longest song Weezer has ever made, and a perfect album closer. 

It is impossible for me to overstate the importance of The Blue Album to my life. It is one of those albums that I know every single intake of breath, every note, every guitar tone, etc. My friend Hank and I would listen to the tape nonstop in his car. When it would end, we would immediately start it over and sing it all at the top of our lungs. 

If you don't own this album, you are truly missing out. It's perfect.

Stop reading this article and go listen to it now, and jerk off like you're 15. 

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