More Quick Movie Reviews!

More Quick Movie Reviews!

By Brian Sweeney

The Autopsy Of Jane Doe, 2016 ★★★

A super great first half set-up, but then becomes whatever.

However, if you’re into big-tittied naked dead chicks with a lot of close-ups of naked dead pretty feet, this is your movie!

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Manchester By The Sea, 2016 ★★★★

At the end, Casey Affleck says to his nephew “I can’t beat it.” He’s talking about how he can’t masturbate. It makes him sad he can’t beat it.

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Spider-Man: Homecoming, 2017 ★★★★

Extremely enjoyable movie that ruins its main lesson at the end where Peter makes the choice to not be an Avenger and instead stay in his neighborhood where he feels he belongs. He then asks Tony, “That was a test, right?” Tony tells him it was a test. He wasn’t really being asked to join the Avengers, so Peter never actually made the choice. He thought all along it was just a theoretical exercise. 

Destroying the main character’s arc is a weird way to end a movie.


The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, 2002 ★★★★

This is the movie for all us real Miranda Otto heads:

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Leaving Las Vegas, 1995 ★★

There’s a scene in his movie where Nicolas Cage drinks whiskey off Elisabeth Shue’s titties.

 Told ya.

Told ya.


Get Out, 2017 ★★★★★

So the white people dont get to really control the black bodies all the time? A white guy is put into a black body and can run fast, but most of the time he has to do yard work? This is what these white people are paying for?


Star Wars: The Last Jedi, 2017 ★★

This movie fails in every single way as a narrative story. Character motivations make no sense and there are no consequences to anything that happens. If the characters of Poe, Finn, Rose, Hux and Leia were removed from the movie, literally nothing about the story would be changed. 

 

 

 

 

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Fifty Shades Darker, 2017 1/2

It’s crazy how they are able to make beautiful naked bodies into the most boring thing imaginable. The makers of the Fifty Shades movies made the choice to take everything about it ultra-serious. An incredibly enjoyable movie series could have been made if it embraced its trashiness and sleaze and made a big-budget Cinemax movie for the modern era. Instead, this is what we have. There’s a lot of big, stupid things in this movie, including Ben Wa balls inside Anastasia’s vag that she has to keep in during a fancy dinner and a helicopter crash and none of it is the least bit interesting.

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The Thin Red Line, 1998 ★★

Miranda Otto up in this bitch!

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Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, 2006 ★★★★

He doesn’t say “my wife” as much as you remember.


The Big Sick, 2017 ★★★★

There’s a scene in The Big Sick where Emily can’t take a shit in Kumail’s apartment and Kumail says he’ll go outside and she can shit and she specifically says that won’t work because his roommate will still hear her and then it turns out Kumail does go outside she does take a shit in his apartment and the scene ends and we are just supposed to forget that she said she couldn’t take a shit in the apartment because of the roommate hearing her.

I spent the rest of the movie waiting for someone to point this out and justify her taking a shit in the apartment but it never happens. Never. And I stayed until after the credits. It’s not mentioned. Its not in any deleted scenes on the DVD either. There’s no deleted scenes discussing her suddenly being able to take a shit in his apartment. 

My girlfriend is also mad about this because I keep talking about it nonstop and think of little else. It has consumed every aspect of my life and led to the majority of my friends and family members distancing themselves from me. This movie’s slapdash handling of Emily taking a shit has caused my entire world to collapse and made me a shell of the person I once was.


Wind River, 2017 ★★★★

“Wind River” refers to a game Jeremy Renner’s character plays where he fills up a sink with water and farts in it. He calls that a “wind river.”

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Fifty Shades Freed, 2018 ★★1/2

This movie is not good in the normal sense. Nor is it quite good-bad. It is fun, though there are boring parts. But, the boring parts are never as deathly dull as the two films that preceded Freed

It takes an hour for what could be generously called the “plot” to kick in, but when it does, Freed really gets into trashy Lifetime movie territory. There’s a scene where Anastasia, in giant sunglasses and her head down in hopes of not being noticed, sits in the back of the courtroom where her stalker is having his bail set, and as her stalker is being led out, he looks at Ana with this gross, slimy SVU criminal look and I was wishing to the entertainment gods that Olivia Benson and Ice-T would walk in.

The next 15–20 minutes are pure trash goodness. The movie comes alive in this short time and it really shows how much fun this whole ridiculous franchise could have been in the right hands. A Christian Grey that came off more as a funny, smarmy, Robert Downey Jr. Tony Stark-like jerk instead of the black psychopath robot that we got. 

Dakota Johnson finally seems fully comfortable in this role, and seems to delight in being the badass Mrs. Grey who tells people in no uncertain terms not to fuck with her. 

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The script is terrible. Many choices are baffling. Others are just dumb and laughable. But, seeing Christian sitting at his piano playing and singing Maybe I’m Amazed to Anastasia is the ridiculous “What the fuck!?” kind of thing that makes me happy to be alive. I’m glad I didn’t die before I saw that. 

So, I enjoyed myself. I also used a gift card and it was Discount Tuesday where the tickets were only $5.50, and I saw it with my girlfriend who I love doing anything with and always have fun. I also knew what I was getting into. I had seen the first two and they were boring and boring and super boring. For whatever reason, this one seemed like more fun and less ridiculous subplots and hardly any Grey family drama shit. 

Christian is still a psychopath, but that’s also kind of the fun of these movies. 

It’s hard to give a star rating to these movies, because you know what you’re getting. If you want to see it and have a good time, you most likely will. 

Otherwise, I recommend you just rent Wish Upon (extended cut if available) and watch that for a truly wonderful good-bad movie.

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The Babysitter, 2017 ★★★

There’s a part where Bella Thorne gets shot in the boob and then she says, “Look at my boobs! Whose going to want to motorboat these?!” It’s an important work of cinema.

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The Truman Show, 1998 ★★

I lost my virginity to this movie. No, not while watching the movie, I mean I literally had sex with this movie.


12 Years A Slave, 2013 ★★★★★

Magneto's a real jerk in this.

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Dangerous Liasons, 1988 ★★★★

Malkovich sucks Uma Thurman’s titties in this movie. 

Five stars.

 Told ya.

Told ya.


Baby Driver, 2017 1/2

Baby Driver flat out doesn't work as a movie. If you like it, cool, but as a narrative, it is a failure.

The character motivations in this movie... I defy anyone to explain them.

Lily James' entire characterization is that she's perfect. Name any flaw or vulnerability that makes her human. 

And Baby wants to fuck his mom and so he finds a blonde who sings and works at the same diner she did. I don't think there has ever been such a mainstream Oedipal fantasy movie. So, credit for that, I guess.

That didn't inform anything though, because the movie tells us that Baby is 100 percent morally justified in everything.

Why was his dad abusive? What did that inform? What point is it? Why was it needed? What difference would the character of Baby have if she was a single mom and he never knew his father?

Baby Driver is the bad guy by the end. Jon Hamm told him to leave if he wasn't up for it. Spacey gave him an out. They were going to call it off. Baby was recording them in secret. Regardless of how Baby uses the recordings, he has recordings of every single person he has worked with at his place. 

And what was the point of him making music? He just likes it? It serves no purpose. At no point is he shown listening to it. It was just a little this is also happening that had no reason to exist. He needed to play it for Lily James and say, “This is how I communicate to the world.” Then there's a reason.

Why does Baby love Lily James? Why does Lily James love Baby? 

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Why is Lily James OK with a man almost killing her and seeing him get shot? Right after that happens, she's cool with stealing a car at gunpoint and then helping Baby kill Jon Hamm. She's a waitress. Why is she so ready to accept this life?

Jamie Foxx actually does nothing bad. This is the world they've chosen. He's a bad guy doing bad guy shit. Jamie Foxx is a bad guy who works for bad guys. He doesn't trust anyone. He's been at this a long time and is known in this world. Those guys he killed were cops. Kevin Spacey acknowledges they were cops, but he never told them that. That is not on Jamie. Jamie was in the right. He figured out these were cops. Spacey sent them in blind.

Spacey never works with people more than once. Then the last job is with all the same people for some reason that isn't made clear.

Kevin Spacey is the only true villain. He threatens Lily James if Baby doesn't work with him. But, then he cancels it and says Baby can go. Job's off. Spacey trusts no one but Baby, then the biggest job he's ever pulled, Baby doesn't want to do it, is caught trying to leave, is found out to have recordings of everything, and Spacey is like "OK." Then Spacey dies for him. The guy who is responsible for everything going wrong. "I was in love once" is probably the worst thing I've seen in a movie this year.

We are supposed to hate Jon Hamm, but he spends the whole movie being a big brother and defender and protector of Baby. Then he tells Baby to leave. Doesn't threaten him. He says he doesn't want someone who isn't in it 100 percent. Then Baby fucks them and kills Jamie Foxx. And then they escape on foot. Jon Hamm is pissed but isn't like trying to kill Baby. Then Baby slams into Jon Hamm and his gf in the parking lot stopping them from escaping. This causes his girlfriend to be shot to death. The movie is showing us that Baby is forcing them to stay. Edgar Wright made that happen. Jon Hamm tried to leave and Baby stopped them. That's fucking nuts.

Jamie Foxx takes them to the diner and figures out the truth about Jon Hamm. He's an ex-Wall Street guy who does drugs. This has no bearing on anything. This doesn't inform any single aspect of the character or the story. It means nothing.

Kevin Spacey says Baby has been doing jobs since before he could see over the dash. But he's never seen someone be shot? In all of the years he's been part of armed robberies?

Also, I think the most two women in the movie speak to each other is one waitress whispers one line to another waitress.

You can see that no one really talks about what they liked in 'Baby Driver' aside from the aesthetics. Nothing about the story. It's all about the look of everything. Nothing in it is emotionally true or resonant.

Baby Driver is like a beautiful person who you think is smart and interesting until they leave and you realize they actually didn't say anything that made sense.

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Happy-Go-Lucky, 2008 ★★★★

This movie will make you feel upbeat and happy, but remember: everyone that you love will one day die.

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Good Time, 2017 ★★★★★

Sincerely one of the best movies I've ever seen, but I’m Team Jacob, so I don’t like this movie.

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The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, 2003 ★★★★

All the real Miranda Otto heads are heavy into this movie because Miranda Otto is the real hero.

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Lady Bird, 2017 ★★★

My favorite part of Lady Bird was The Edge of Seventeen

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Call Me By Your Name, 2017 ★★1/2

Movin' to the country
Gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country
Gonna eat me a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country
Gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country
Gonna eat a lot of peaches

Peaches come from a can
They were put there by a man
In a factory downtown
If I had my little way
I'd eat peaches every day
Sun-soakin' bulges in the shade

Movin' to the country
Gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country
Gonna eat me a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country
Gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country
Gonna eat a lot of peaches

I took a little nap where the roots all twist
Squished a rotten peach in my fist
And dreamed about you, woman
I poked my finger down inside
Make a little room for an ant to hide
Nature's candy in my hand or can or a pie

Millions of peaches
Peaches for me
Millions of peaches
Peaches for free
Millions of peaches
Peaches for me

Look out!

Millions of peaches
Peaches for me
Millions of peaches
Peaches for free
Millions of peaches
Peaches for me
Millions of peaches
Peaches for free
Millions of peaches
Peaches for me
Millions of peaches
Peaches for free
Millions of peaches
Peaches for me
Millions of peaches
Peaches for free

Look out!

I Believe… [Things I Can Do Without]

I Believe… [Things I Can Do Without]

Voting Feels Like Date Rape

Voting Feels Like Date Rape