Interview With The Nine Year-Old — Part II

Interview With The Nine Year-Old — Part II

By Brian Sweeney

This is another in-depth interview with my girlfriend's 9-year-old daughter, Charlotte. I asked her random questions I found on the internet that are supposed to make you get to really know the person. 

This is 100% real.

What did you think of your last interview? Do you think that it gave an accurate picture of who you are?

Mmm, not at all, but it was funny. The only thing it said about me is that I'm funny, sometimes I'm clueless and, just, I don't know what I'm saying.

What are your secret skills?

I don't have any. I'm a normal person. (whispers) I'm worthless.

Would you like a servant when you grow up?

Of course. Why do I have to do all the freakin' work? What? It's America! Freedom! Why can't I have the freedom to do what I want without anyone telling me no? Why can't I have the freedom to have a servant and not me do the stupid work?

But the person you're making do the work isn't free.

Well, I guess women is coming over — I don't know. Women is like fighting back so I guess they're kind of overpowering men a little bit, so...

So because you'll be a woman you can just make men your servants.

No, what I'm saying is it's America. We have freedom and then we have a girl that's named Charlotte that's forcing a man to do her work because she's too lazy to do anything.

So there should be a special law passed for Charlotte so Charlotte will always be taken care of and pampered.

Yeah! Why do I have to close my door? Why? Why? Why can't mom or whoever actually cares, just shut it! 

What was your favorite childhood toy?

I don't remember anything about toys when I was little. The only thing I remember that's close to toys is this giant red box, this trunk, you just open it and there's billions of toys!

Wait, you had a giant red trunk with billions of toys in it?

Yes, and it was in the room over there and now it's in mom's room and it's filled with yarn.

Why do we dream?

Because our brains are too lazy to do work so they're just like "commercial break, yeah, there's a panda on my head. Yeah, a panda's holding balloons and it's like gotta go to a party and then it ends up raining at the party and all of a sudden a unicorn comes out and kills everyone.

When was the last time you cried and why?

I don't remember the last time I cried at all.

Really?

Really. Really.

When was the last time you remember crying and why?

I don't remember. I know I cried in my life but I just don't remember anything.

Why are there so many people who are lonely?

Because they're too shy to finally find someone. They're just like, oh there are many people and that person looks like, that they could be my friend- Uhp! Well, I'm lonely! That's an excuse to not go out and see people. If the police just came up to a man, or a woman, I'm just gonna go with a man, that's lonely and he's like, "Sir, why do you have no friends?" The only excuse you could think of is "I'm lonely."

So you think the police should start getting involved because the lonely person is bumming everyone out and ruining everyone's day?

Yes. And this man over here called [the police] because you're too quiet and lonely. 

So maybe the police can put him in jail with a bunch of other people and they would stop being lonely. 

Then once he made like, five friends, he could finally get out. 

But then he would be leaving his friends.

No. Here's how it is: so they say "Hey, who wants to volunteer to help a poor man who's too lonely?" Then they take five people, and then, um—

But why would they have to do this in a jail?

I don't knoooowww. You made the idea that he goes to jail!

No! You said that a police officer comes up to him and says, "Stop being so lonely."

Yeah, but then you said he goes to jail. I didn't want that to happen at all!

But why is it so hard for people to make a connection with other people?

Because some people, I don't know how to pronounce it, but they're interverts [sic], that's the best I can get it, and that means that they have trouble interacting with people, and there's other ones, I'm gonna try to pronounce it as close as I can, extroverts, and when you're an extrovert that means that you're good at interacting with people and if you just put a stranger and you in a room, you could just like meet him straight away.

Do you just learn all this stuff from YouTube?

Mmmhmm! YouTube is my school.

Do aliens exist?

Heck no! No. No. No. I don't believe in that. I think that's a stupid question! I mean scientists already proven—

No they haven't.

—proven, PROVEN that you can't have life on Venus, Jupiter and Mars! There's no such thing as aliens!

Nowhere? You think Earth is it? You know that the universe just keeps going and going and—

Yes I do! We are just a speck in the grand schemes of things. We're a tiny little speck!

What's one thing about love that scares you?

Two things: conversations and divorces.

Conversations?

Like, um, I don't know, like, sometimes if you like someone and you want to talk to them, you know them, and you're interested in them and you want to talk to them more, it's a little difficult, to me at least, because I'm like "how do I come off not creepy but explain my feelings in a nice, clean way?"

So it doesn't really matter about introvert and extrovert in this case because you are having these anxieties of "what if I come off bad" and "what if they don't like me." So why do you think that is? Why is it so hard for people to get over that?

Because what happens is, like for example, ghosts aren't real. If you just say, "ghosts aren't real. Ghosts aren't real. They're not real. Not real. Not real." That will just make your mind think, "Oh, maybe they are real" and that just makes you more scared. And then it's a cycle loop. And that's an example, but instead of "Ghosts aren't real," it's "I hope I didn't come off creepy," and that just makes anxiety straight out of the roof!

When you say "divorce" do you mean breaking up in general?

Yes. [sad voice] But I loved you!

Who inspires you? Who do you aspire to be like?

Like a role model?

Yeah. A person you've seen or read about like Martin Luther King or even a fake person like Wonder Woman.

It's an actual person. And that person is Mom!

Why mom?

I don't know. She's just the best. Her hard work and being nice, tell the truth and learn how to cook!

So if you grew up to be like your mom, you'd feel like a success and you've done it right?

Yes.

What belief do you have that most people disagree with?

That scientists actually found fossils that unicorns did exist.

What's something you hope you grow out of?

Biting my freakin' nails and toenails!

Would you want to know how you were going to die beforehand or die suddenly without warning?

I would take I know how I'm gonna die so I don't do it. Let's just say someone says, "You're gonna die from a chainsaw."

As a kid, you probably think chainsaw deaths are pretty common. 

Don't trust anyone. I just hate that it's a surprise. You can actually call the police. 

What if it's the police who do it?

Maybe, since I know ahead of time, I won't go to that place that apparently the police chainsaw me!

You're so difficult.

I know!

What would be the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend?

I'm not gay.

OK. Then what would be the perfect boyfriend?

Well, apparently I just want him to always tell the truth because if he lies and he's cheating on me then I hate him!

Is there a meaning to life?

Yes, it's to have fun with your family or actually stay alive. It's like a can you survive game. 

What's one thing you would change about the world if you could?

That brothers could be not so annoying to sisters. And end world hunger for once!

I Believe… [Auto Insurance is a Scam]

I Believe… [Auto Insurance is a Scam]

Too Much Fun

Too Much Fun