American Shithole #22 — FLOTUS, She Wrote (Us)
By Eric Wilson
It’s been seven days since we last connected, Shitholers, and I am confident our country has cleaned up all this nasty business of torturing impoverished children. Having taken a break from all media for an extended weekend, let me just bring myself up to speed, old school.
(If you were to listen closely, the rustling of old-timey newspapers could be heard at A.S. headquarters.)
Let’s just take a looksee here at what is happing in this fine country (rustle, rustle) as I am certain the powers that be have reunited the thousands of (rustle) migrant toddlers and adolescents (rustle, rustle) that they themselves scattered across America after they themselves and no one else enacted a ruthless policy (rustle) ripping them from the loving arms of their mothers and fathers.
(rustle, rustle, rustle)
Let’s just see here… there are an awful lot of think pieces about a restaurant.
The Red Hen must serve some amazing grub to garner this much copy. No, it’s not the food. Apparently someone of some importance didn’t get their meal?
So, metaphorically speaking, the fucking plane is crashing, the kids are all stuffed into the overhead, but some people are pissed because the lady sitting in 17C that helped set the aircraft on fire, didn’t get her fish sticks?
This seems to have upset the current occupant of the Lazy D Dude Ranch as well, who seized the opportunity to cattle prod his moron herd into chewing cud outside the Lexington restaurant this week — although I found the colorful characters that descended upon the quiet Virginia town in protest documented in the Washington Post to be thoroughly entertaining.
I’m sure there’s some news in here about torturing kids. Restaurant (rustle) restaurant (rustle, rustle) ah-ha! Here we are!
Now before I read the good news — the good news that will with absolute certainty both assuage my fear and confirm my belief that the United States would never allow the torture of migrant children — I’d just like to say, how proud I am to be an American.
I just wanted to get that in there before I read what is definitely going to be good news.
(If you were to listen closely, the short silence would be followed by the careful folding of old-timey newspapers, and the gentle flick of a Zippo.)
I see this administration has gone… a different direction.
It appears this president desires to do away with the constitutional provision of due process for all. Instead of taking this catastrophic failure of epic proportion and showing some humility, some decency, some semblance of compassion and empathy, Trump has elected to do away with courts of any kind, stripping immigrants and asylum seekers of their constitutional rights.
It’s like we’ve fallen into a bottomless well, and we’re hitting history all the way down — and the history we’ve ignored is hard as steel.
“Not so fast, Mr. President,” says U.S. District Court Judge Dana Sabraw — who granted a preliminary injunction to the ACLU Tuesday requiring all immigrant children under the age of 5 to be reunited with their parents in less than two weeks, and for those children over the age of 5, no more than a month.
“Not so fast to you,” says our Commander in Chief, “I’ve got a Space Force.”
Every few months the malignancy is noticeably worse. The pain is constant now, and the will to fight is stretched thin. Let’s face it, we are dying of cancer, America.
“So, um, you all know where each and every one of these thousands of kids are, right?” asked millions of worried citizens looking to hold onto their last shred of American integrity.
Seventeen states and the District of Columbia are suing the Trump Administration over the family separations, so far. This hellish nightmare is the summer’s new hit series and it is definitely renewed for election season.
To offer further perspective into just how toxic this situation is, even before the shit hit the fan, the two Texas companies deemed capable of doing the job, turned down lucrative no-bid contracts worth upwards of a billion dollars to expand the child immigrant camps — so Trump’s plans to enlarge the operation were scrapped.
But hey, I hear the First Lady is set for a second trip to visit with the kids still living it up in Cagetown. Her first trip was quite the fashion statement; I’d say a smashing success, even — with sociopaths. Since so many people found her coat that read “I really don’t care, do U?” confusing, American Shithole has employed the services of three psychologists, five sociologists, a score of linguistics analysts and one relative who just needed a job, to decipher Melania’s cryptic message to the world.
Unfortunately they all failed, because it makes no fucking sense that FLOTUS — or anyone for that matter — could or would be either that callous or that clueless. My brain literally shut down late last week when that image splashed across the back of my retina. It acted like a kill switch.
It dawned on me (rather late) that the distraction was likely a choreographed event. It does not compute, my brain decided, so I turned the news off for five days. With crying, terrified children on every screen on the planet, the immigration debacle is the first to nearly break the spell — the only solution for Trump was to get everyone to tune out. Melania was either instructed to wear that coat or she is party to all this madness.
Look, I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of coincidences.
Wondering what she’ll wear next? Well muse no longer!
American Shithole has secured secret footage of the possible wardrobe choices considered by/for FLOTUS for her next visit with incarcerated toddlers. We have it on good authority that she is going with another winter jacket in the blazing hot summer that will offer one of three significantly clearer messages for the country.
1. I’m hungry, U bring me the chubby ones.
2. South Lawn needs weeds pulled; graves dug.
3. Barron requires one lucky playdate, niñas.
Not that some opportunist from Slovenia could ever break into the top 1,000 problems we face as a country — even if she is the First Lady. She's just a distraction.
The real disaster is that the ultra-conservative, uber-rich spent the past 70 years manipulating three generations of Americans, dumbing down middle and lower-class citizens in states all across this country, inciting people to hatred, stoking their fears, driving away empathy, championing tribalism — all while stripping them of value — and now we have a nation of imbeciles too scared and too stupid for critical thought.
A month or so back you might remember I suggested Trump supporters don’t deserve to suffer (because no human deserves to suffer in my opinion), but I am clearly not above wanting them to suffer — which I do.
I do feel emptiness sometimes, in a way I have never felt it before, when I reflect on how much rage this presidency instills in me. The Yang of a terrible Yin, I suppose. I’ve never experienced the desire for revenge, the way I want for it now.
I need everyone involved with any of the treasonous actions leading to the theft of the presidency or the subsequent obstruction of justice, to spend the rest of their fucking shitty lives in prison. Not rich-people prison, either. None of this country club with bars bullshit, I mean shiv-dodging, soap-dropping, salad-tossing prison — preferably with a cellmate named Lamont or Jesus.
I also hope the multi-millionaires and billionaires responsible for turning America against itself for their own selfish reasons lose absolutely everything. They are grossly, obscenely overvalued, and they need to be revalued according to their worth to humanity; which is zero. Less than zero, actually. Then I want those motherfuckers to go to prison too.
Finally, I want every fucking MAGA hat wearing zealot to eat crow in public until the end of their bootlicking days, with a full-understanding that history will be remembering early 21st century conservative America for the scared senseless, shallow, stupid, pitiful shithole it was.
They may not deserve to suffer, but I fucking OWN my desire to see them suffer. I am not proud of this; it is just part of my inner workings — these motherfuckers must pay.
Like this shambling mound of overconfidence that shuffled her way across the street like some fugly fucking peacock, in her fucking socks no less, to wag her fat middle finger in the face of a brown-skinned American working on the job. She can be heard parroting Trump in her assertion that all his kind (Mexicans, she assumed) are rapists and drug dealers.
Fuck that fucking house troll in rolled-up mom jeans.
My friend Chris echoed some of my sentiments recently:
“Trump makes these assholes feel comfortable to be openly racist. Let’s make racism socially unacceptable again. Force these bigots to bite their lip out of fear of being outed, embarrassed and ostracized. The process of learning one’s culture, enculturation, isn’t just learning from parents (racist or not), but also through peers, social norms, etiquette, shame/praise, etc. If we can’t change minds, we can at least change interpersonal behavior — for collective peace. Find this lady’s name and spread it around. She should be embarrassed. So let’s make it happen.”
I agree, but unfortunately I can’t find her name, at least as of Tuesday.
Whoever she is, she needs to eat crow on a daily basis. Same for any other racist we witness and capture on camera. Share it, get it viral. I get a boner like concrete anytime a Nazi loses his or her day job. Get the word out about who these emboldened racists are, where they are, what they do, and let’s make their shitty life decisions costly — and this should ring some bells — as a deterrent for other racists looking to express their fear and hatred out in the open.
Remember, even five years ago, if the (then) hypothetical question had been put to the American people “Would you support the impeachment and incarceration of an openly racist president guilty of treason?” almost no one would respond, “Well, that depends upon their party affiliation.” What they would say is, "Oh, that could never happen here."
The Parkland Survivors are wrapping up their June tour dates for March For Our Lives, where unlike every effort before them, they are actually moving youth to register to vote all across the country in record numbers. No small feat, indeed. You can check their website to find cities near you that are on the itinerary for July and August. Show your support for these fine young Americans, if you have the chance.
In the best of ways, they are the vanguard; this is how nations change.