Very Important Thoughts And Random Nonsense That You Need To Read

Very Important Thoughts And Random Nonsense That You Need To Read

by Brian Sweeney

-"I'll talk to you later, all right?" is a nice way of saying, "I don't want to fucking talk to you on the phone anymore."

-MOVIE PITCH: Sieg Wild. An 80's T&A comedy about Hitler trying to lose his virginity the summer before college.

-I bet that when Babar became king he made all the people under his rule bring him shitloads of peanuts.

-Did Julia Stiles exist, or was that just a dream I had?

-Idea: A news show with cows called BREAKING MOOS.

-I imagine people meeting Sigmund Freud’s mother always went like this:

AMALIA FREUD: Hello. I’m Freud’s mother.
PERSON: Yikes.

-I am offended at the gender bias in the phrase "bullshit," eluding to something bad about male shit, whereas cow shit is referred to as "pies."

-If I was a weed dealer, my name would be Ken Burns. Because I would be burnin all them joints, son! And people would be like, "yo, Ken Burns! You got an ounce on you?" And I'd be like, "You're under arrest" and handcuff them, because really, I'm an undercover police officer.

-Where the hell is Alanis that there's 10,000 spoons?

-TV PITCH: Westworld but instead of robots it’s roombas with wigs and mustaches glued on them and they get naked and shoot each other a lot and you see Thandie Newton’s bush

-At a certain age, looking forward to things becomes "having anxiety about future events."

-It's a good thing I'm not a surgeon because I have absolutely no medical training.

-I bet a lot of people at Heath Ledger's funeral were just dying to say, "Why so serious?"

-This is 100% true: An Alabama school in 1983 wanted to remove "The Diary of Anne Frank" from its school because it was "a real downer."

-Idea: Fruit By The Foot but pizza.

-"I want to fuck you like an animal" - the chorus for major hit pop song in the 1990's

-I think we can admit that saying "Reese's Pieces" has tripped us all up many times.

-"Howdy, doody!" - a man very cordial to his bowel movements

-Isn't "mass genocide" redundant?

-No man is an island. Islands are sub-continental lands surrounded by water.

-"Resisting arrest” can be pretty much anything a cop wants it to be. Stay safe. But, at a certain point, we need to really understand that there is more of us than there is of them and what we should do with the power we have and who of us are going to be ready to use it to fix blatant threats against humanity.

-The silver lining of global warming is that clouds now literally have silver lining.

-The phrase "Buttholes of Discovery" popped into my brain and I'm trying to figure out a context worthy enough to use it.

-When someone's Facebook status changes from "in a relationship" to "single," they should have to explain to everyone what happened.

 

 

#MyChicagoBookstore Adventures on Independent Bookstore Day, Part 3

#MyChicagoBookstore Adventures on Independent Bookstore Day, Part 3

#MyChicagoBookstore Adventures on Independent Bookstore Day — Part 2

#MyChicagoBookstore Adventures on Independent Bookstore Day — Part 2