I Wrote This Entire Column By Dictating It To Siri

I Wrote This Entire Column By Dictating It To Siri

siridic

Technology is accelerating at a rapid rate. This week's column, fully written in speech-to-text, is a glimpse into what the future will be for the written word. Writers will no longer have to sit down at a keyboard or jot into a notebook. Instead, wherever a writer is, they can just speak into their phone and everything will be written down immediately. Anywhere they are, the writer can create a first draft just by speak–

Siri stop taking dictation. Siri turn off. Someone's at the door.

Hello? Yes sir, I am Brian Sweeney. Yes. Oh you are delivering my drugs. Thank you. Did you bring all the cocaine and all the crystal meth that I ordered? Great. Here's the money that I, Brian Sweeney, am using to buy drugs with. I have a lot of extra money because I never pay taxes. I make a shit ton of money from these assholes who run a website called Literate Ape. What's that? Why yes, I would like to pay you for sex. Let's have sex right here in my kitchen. Right on the table where my family eats breakfast. I can't wait to feel you in me. I love having rough gay sex. First, let me smoke some of this crystal meth. Oh that's good. Now let's have sex. Yes, give it to me. I feel alive. This is who I am. I only feel alive when having unprotected gay sex with strangers who I pay in exchange for the sex! Yes! I am Brian Sweeney and I love having a man shove his huge hog into my willing butthole! Oooooh baby. Mmm mmm. Let me do some of the cocaine now. Oh yeah. I love sniffing cocaine off your ass. Don't tell me your name. Just treat me like the dirty boy that I am. I love breath play. Mmm. Let me choke you with this necktie. Yeah. Hey. Hey. Hey. Come on, man. Hey! Oh shit. Hey! Oh fuck. There's no pulse! He's dead! I murdered him! Oh no, Brian Sweeney, who I am, murdered this man who sold me cocaine and crystal meth and then I paid to have sex with. What do I do? I have to hide the body. But he's so big. He's like six foot two and 230 pounds, at least. Shit. I will have to chop him up and dispose of him. But where will I drop the body parts off? Where can I, Brian Sweeney, dump body parts? I'll have to eat him. There's no other way. Oh man this saw I got out of my garage that I'm using to cut off his body parts is not getting the job done. I can't saw through the bone! Let me at least try and eat this chunk of flesh I cut off of him. Hmm. This is actually pretty good. I never would have guessed that I, Brian Sweeney, would enjoy cannibalism. Human flesh tastes really good. I look forward to eating more of this man that I murdered. There's- What's that? The doorbell? Oh no! It's my next door neighbor, Gregory Dunbar! Hello, Greg. What's that? No, I'm the only one here. I– No, don't come in. Wait, Greg, don't go in there! It was an accident! I didn't– I'm sorry, Greg, you've seen too much. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm using this knife from my kitchen to stab you repeatedly until you are dead. I'm sorry Greg. Just know that Brian Sweeney did kill you, but I didn't want to. Shit. Now I have two dead bodies. And there's so much blood. This is– Oh no. My tummy is rumbling. Oh no! I'm shitting in my pants! I am trying to run to the bathroom but there's poop sliding out of my pant leg onto the kitchen floor. This is terrible. I made it to the bathroom, but almost all of the diarrhea went down my leg and onto the floor before I got to the toilet. Oh no, now I'm slipping and sliding on all of the blood and poop. Oh no! I landed face first in a puddle of blood and diarrhea. Blech! Oh no, I barfed. Now there is barf, blood and diarrhea all over the floor. This is awful. I better get to the store and buy some garbage bags for the body parts that I don't eat. Siri open the Waze route to Walgreens. 

It Was A Dream; [She] Was a Dream

It Was A Dream; [She] Was a Dream

Do Nothing. Try Something Different. Choose.

Do Nothing. Try Something Different. Choose.