She's a Real Mother!

She's a Real Mother!

By Don Hall

Who was there when I, at 3 years old and with an aversion to baths, ran naked in the front yard wearing only a Smokey the Bear hat? All while the mentally disabled man across the street laughed at her, pregnant with my sister?

My mom.

Who was there when I, at 5 years old, nearly died from spinal meningitis and had only the courage and desperation of woman angry enough to challenge God and the doctors to bring me back?

My mom.

Who was there when I, at 8 years old, accidentally slipped on a chain from a swingset and impaled my ballsack on the S-hook and ran home with my pants around my ankles and bloody, screaming like I was going to die? And, out of shock, she laughed?

My mom.

Who was there when I, at 10 years old, decided to set the World's Record for wearing roller skates and spent several days driving everyone insane?

Mom.

Who was there when I, at 15 years old and had become an insufferable prude, berated my sister for wearing shorts that were, in my opinion, too short for a girl her age all while standing with one of my balls hanging out of my tattered underwear? And then nicknamed me "Hang Ball" for the next month?

You guessed it.

Who was there for every play, every concert, every heartbreak, every failure, every success and who cheered me on at every turn or laughed at me when I was suffering from a case of the overly dramatic?

Mom.

Who was there to work shitty jobs and do with less than she deserved so that I could have a Monster Maker Goop kit, Stretch Armstrong, trumpet and food?

Who was there to throw me a birthday party when it snowed us in and we couldn't leave the house?

I've been a tremendous pain in the ass from the second I popped out of the womb of a 16-year-old girl on a Naval base in Millington, Tennessee. There is a place in Heaven for anyone who has ever put up with me for any amount of time.

But Mom gets the Big Comfy Chair because she never quit, never walked away, never stopped being my one and only mom.

Happy Mother's Day, Jackie Lee!

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