The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The Roseanne Season 2 Writer’s Room

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The Roseanne Season 2 Writer’s Room

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By Joe Janes

 

The Roseanne Season 2 Writer’s Room

 

April 4, 2018

1:15pm (Meeting originally called for 9:00am)

 

In Attendance: Roseanne, Bruce, Dave, Darlene, Morgan – the others went home already.

Notes taken by Rebecca, the writers’ assistant

Roseanne – Okay, people, we got picked up for a second season just after one episode. We need to start cranking out the scripts so we keep this high quality train rolling. Pitch your stories to me. What have you got?

Bruce – Well, I think a real relatable scenario might be Dan losing his pension from his job and-

Roseanne – And he spends his retirement going after underground child sex rings run by democrats out of pizza parlors. We can have the Connors go out for pizza and one of their grandkids disappears at the table. Dan comes back with a shotgun and gets the kid back while freeing all the other children. He shoots Hilary Clinton while she’s drilling into a kid with her blue strap-on. I love it, Bruce.

Bruce – I was thinking maybe it was more about him having to get some entry-level job like a Wal-Mart greeter to try to stay afloat…

Roseanne – Bit of a stretch, but write a first draft. We’ll see. Maybe he can debunk mass shootings, instead. Or both. What else? Dave?

Dave – Picture this, Jackie is protesting gun rights and gets into a fight with Ro-

Roseanne – A cop who shoots her! She should have complied. She should have put her sign down. And she should have had a gun to defend herself.

Dave – I don’t know that she needs to get shot-

Roseanne – I know, it should really be a black person, but the only black actor we have is a kid and I’m not going to shoot a kid. Do you want me to shoot a kid, Dave?

Dave – No…?

Roseanne - With Jackie mortally wounded, I can be at her deathbed and her last words to me are, “You were right.” And I say, “I was alt-right.” And she also reveals she’s transgendered so fans don’t get too upset. Boom! Roll credits! I love it! Give me more. Darlene!

Darlene – Well, with Dan having financial troubles, I thought Rosanne might try to help out by joining a cleaning service. The episode would be about her trying to  –

Roseanne – Out the illegal Mexicans who also work for the firm! Can one of them be pregnant?

Darlene - …Sure…?

Roseanne – Good. Get rid of those DACA anchor babies!

Darlene – Is that a thing?

Roseanne - What’s our big finale? Morgan!

Morgan– I was thinking something that showed what a big heart you have. The local mosque is being threatened and you and Dan allow the Iman to stay in your home until it’s safe to go back to his place of worship.

Roseanne – I like it. Shows my sweet side. Then the towelhead tries to impose Sharia law on my home and I kick his ass so hard he becomes a Methodist. I love it! We’ll save the filthy Jews for season three. Good work, everyone! Trump is going to love this.

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