Brian's Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of April 22, 2018
Here at Literate Ape, there's nothing I like doing as much as reading people's regular columns. We have incredible columns such as Joe Janes' Minutes of Our Last Meeting, Eric Wilson's American Shithole, Don Hall's I Believe..., and David Himmel's Notes From The Post-It Wall. But whenever I read them I always think, "Hey, this is taking attention away from me, Brian Sweeney!" As I'm sure you all feel the same way, I decided to finally do something about it.
- It’s weird that everyone has a butthole. It’s weird when you think about how Meryl Streep has a butthole. Seriously, think of that. Meryl Streep has a butthole and shit tumbles out of it. Meryl Streep has stunk up bathrooms. It’s crazy. Buttholes are the great equalizer. No matter how cool, smart, strong, beautiful or talented someone is, they have a butthole and they push it open and doo doo comes out and then they wipe their butthole clean with toilet paper.
- I don't treat others like I want to be treated, because I'm into some really freaky shit. And if I go up to a little old lay and spit in her face, people think I'm being a jerk, not that I'm trying to initiate sex.
- Dr. Dre always talking about doing drugs and killing people so much must hurt his medical practice.
- Not eating any meat except fish is the vegetarian equivalent of "just the tip."
- I want to read a book about the stark reality that Hogwarts graduates face when applying to colleges only to learn that "Potions" and "Defense Against The Dark Arts" don't count as gen eds and they only have the basic education of a fifth grader.
- When we used to watch The Cosby Show we all thought it was just a nice show about a gynecologist whose office is in the basement of his home.
- You can argue that Jenny McCarthy may not be the hottest Playboy Playmate of all time, but she is definitely the Playmate that has indirectly caused the most child mortality.
- The worst thing about being a diabetic is that I can't watch creampie porn.
- They should throw a bouquet at funerals like they do at weddings. Then, whoever catches it, you murder in the parking lot.
- I bet the main reason a giraffe isn't allowed to be President is because they would have to raise all the ceilings in the White House.
- It’s weird to think that the way people make babies is by letting some guy blow cum inside of them with no condom. Think about it. You exist because your mom let a guy cum in her. Yeah. Let that sink in. It goes for almost every single human being ever. It’s strange to think that Abraham Lincoln came inside of Mary Todd Lincoln at least four times. Picture Abraham Lincoln’s cum face. Just picture that.
- The third worst way to die is fire. Trust me. There is nothing quite like being engulfed in flames, breathing in nothing but black smoke; smoke that was once your living flesh, mind you. And Jesus, the flesh. Just melting off the bone like that guy in Robocop. It's fucking disgusting. The first time I saw my own flesh coming off me in gloops and globs, I wanted to puke. Well, not really, as I was being immolated at the moment, so I really couldn't concentrate on anything aside from the unspeakable, searing pain. But, when I think back on it, I almost always gag. It is not the type of thought you want to have, with the only exception being if you're having sex and need something to slow yourself down, as it were, then there is nothing better than thinking back to your right arm turning into runny, gelatinous Silly Putty, hanging off the bones of your forearm (known as the Radius and the Ulna) until falling clear off on to the ground with the most repulsive splat you could ever imagine hearing. People complain about the smell of burnt hair. Burnt hair would be a welcome reprieve once you smell burning bone marrow. You'll wish you had a million tiny burnt hair Glade Plug-In's all around you to mask the smell of burnt bone marrow.
- People with gaps between their front teeth are better than everyone else.
- Everyone loves The Hunger Games, but when I force children to murder each other in my backyard, suddenly I'm the asshole.
- I'm sad masturbation is a sin, and therefore, will not get into Heaven. But, it's just as well, because I could never get through eternity without whacking it.
- How incredibly bereft of ideas do you have to be to name your son Guy?
- I don't like to complain, but it's hard to find well-fitting pants because I have such an enormous cock.
- Two people named Brian Sweeney died on 9/11 and my cousin called my sister to ask if it was me.