I Help Jennifer Aniston Find Love
Jennifer Aniston and her husband Justin Theroux have announced they are divorcing after almost three years of marriage. News of this came out a few weeks ago, and since then, I was able to take some time and process my emotions and now feel that I can finally talk about this.
Like everyone, I want Jennifer Aniston to find love. It's all I want. It's all I think about and it consumes my days with an all-encompassing passion. So, I have made a list of people that I think would be a perfect love match for Jen.
The Rock is a huge movie star and longtime most electrifying man in sports entertainment that is always cooking something and making sure that you are able to smell it. In describing himself, he once opined, "Some people like chocolate ice cream. Some people like vanilla ice cream. But everybody, and The Rock means everybody, loves pancakes. The Rock is a pancake!" Jen would be a happy and content woman being loved by such a pancake.
PROS: Superstar; hunk; is a pancake
CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: Rockifer
FISH MAN FROM THE SHAPE OF WATER
Picture this: Jennifer Aniston stepping out of a limo onto a Hollywood red carpet with a tall, slim, Oscar-winning Fish Man on her arm. The press flashbulbs go off creating a cascade of light that dances across the striking couple. Media, celebrities, fans and onlookers all call out to them in hopes for just a brief moment of connection.
Also, Fish Man fucks. We all know it. We all saw the movie. She brought Fish Man home and put him in the tub and got naked with him and Fish Man beat them cheeks. He probably pulled out and shot tadpoles all over her face and all types of nasty shit. Left her leaking out tartar sauce and guppies. And Fish Man pounded her out so good that she committed possible treason (depending on United States Fish Man Law) for him.
PROS: Oscar-winner; fucks good
CONS: Is a fish man; lives in ocean
CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: Fish MAniston
He looks like a nice dude. He looks like the kind of guy that will treat Jen like a queen. And, they have already met, and judging by the picture, seemed to have hit it off. Look at her laughing! It's important to be with someone you can just laugh with, and with this guy, you know that will be no problem!
PROS: Hilarious and fun; has a lanyard
CONS: Wears a pink shirt
CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: Jenthisguynifer
MICHAEL B. JORDAN
Michael B. Jordan is a young, hot actor who has starred in such hit films as Fruit Roll Up Station and Assassin's Creed. First making a splash in the critically-acclaimed HBO series Wires, Jordan has built up quite the reputation for being in movies. The older Jennifer could teach this young man the ways of the woman.
PROS: Hot; young
CONS: Is mean to Black Panther
CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: Michael B. Jordifer Aniston
Jennifer is a beloved, famous, successful actress. Jennifer has had a great career and Jennifer would be very supportive and nurturing of Jennifer. Jennifer is known for both her dramatic and comedic talents, but in the end, Jennifer is just Jennifer and we love her for that. A problem may arise when Jennifer sees that Jennifer's career may be eclipsing Jennifer's, but as long as she goes to Jennifer and Jennifer in turn sees that she is only concerned about losing Jennifer, then Jennifer should accept it and know that Jennifer loves Jennifer and the Jennifer that is presented to the public isn't the Jennifer when Jennifer is with her. If anyone would understand that, it's Jennifer. It may also be hard for Jennifer to spend so much time away from Jennifer with Jennifer's busy schedule, as well as Jennifer's busy schedule. But for this, Jennifer can book dates in advance with Jennifer and take time for Jennifer to discuss Jennifer's feelings for her. Jennifer should take Jennifer to a place Jennifer feels comfortable and happy and let her open up to Jennifer. As long as the love between Jennifer and Jennifer is there, she can get through anything with her.
PROS: Famous; rich; beautiful
CONS: X-Men: Apocalypse
CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: Jennifer
THE CAST OF FRIENDS
As we all know, they will be there for Jen. That's a reference to the theme song for the show Friends. It's called I'll Be There For You and it's by The Rembrandts. After Friends, the cast all went their separate ways. Jennifer kept making hit movies, Matt LeBlanc starred in the show Episodes, Lisa Kudrow starred in the show The Comeback, Matthew Perry starred in the show The Odd Couple, Courteney Cox starred in the show Cougar Town, and David Schwimmer is great, too.
What I'm picturing for the Friends cast is that they all get a house and live in it together. They get a great big bed and all sleep in it together like The Little Rascals. They start up a private investigation agency and go around the country in an RV solving mysteries. What's the secret of the Old Mill? Lisa Kudrow will figure it out! What's behind the mysterious green lights out near Roundsman Harbor? David Schwimmer is on the case! Who kidnapped six year-old Laura Greenfield? A solemn Matthew Perry will make the gruesome, heart-breaking discovery that will send shockwaves through a small town and tear its community apart.
PROS: How you doin'?
CONS: We were on a break!
CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: The One With The Relationship
As we all know, "David Himmel is a literary and journalistic mercenary." His first book, A Camp Story, is a wonderful read that everyone should buy. And his forthcoming book, The Last DJ, promises to be even better. If you can believe such a thing! He has written plays, award-winning web series and one time interviewed porn star Joanna Angel. Also, one time he and I watched Human Centipede I & II back-to-back and felt like our lives were going exactly how we had always hoped they would.
The one tiny problem that would stand in the way of perfect happiness between David and Jennifer is that David's wife just had their first baby. He probably won't be able to go to a lot of Hollywood parties or fancy dinners for a while, because newborns are a lot of work. But, once he and his wife settle into a groove, the David Himmel/Jennifer Aniston coupling can start and they can make up for lost time with a red-hot dose of Himmel-cillin! This couple will be AniSTUNNING!
PROS: Great father; loyal husband
CONS: Really likes watching Disney Channel sitcoms that are aimed at tweens
CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: Himmelfer Daviston