Interview With The Nine Year-Old | Christmas Edition

Interview With The Nine Year-Old | Christmas Edition

By Brian Sweeney

This is an in-depth Christmas interview with my girlfriend's 9-year-old daughter, Charlotte.

This is 100 percent real.

So Charlotte, do you like Christmas?

Seriously, man? That’s the best you could do with the questions?

It’s the first question.

(sighs) Yes. Yes, I do.

What’s the best Christmas present you’ve ever received?

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. (To the tune of The 12 Day Of Christmas) Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmm, hmm hmm hmm hmm, hmm hmm hmm, hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmm. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm—

This is going to be in print. So this is all just nothing.

(Still to the tune of The 12 Days Of Christmas) Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm— I-So, you mean by “best” you mean, like, one that I had for years?

I don’t care. Whatever you think.

I don’t know! Put that in the script!

What’s a present you wanted badly, but never received?

A phone! Actually, no. Here’s a joke. Say that question again.

What’s a present you wanted badly, but never received?

Kindness!

If you could only have one type of Christmas candy, what would you choose?

What’s Christmas candy?

Ugh, good lord. I don’t know! Candy you eat at Christmas!

Um, Milk Duds!

What’s the true meaning of Christmas?

Uh… Uh… The true meaning of Christmas is spending your money on useless objects you’re not even gonna keep and give to someone else and hope they don’t throw it out the next day.

That’s a terrible meaning.

I know!

Do you believe in Santa?

Yes and no. Yes, because I’m a kid.

So you think it’s like, your duty?

I guess.

OK. But “no” because what?

Who in their right of mind would decide to go — to go house-to-house breaking into people’s houses to give jolly, old time gifts and call their selves a Santa?

Call themselves a Santa?

Yes! Who in the right of mind would decide, I’m gonna live where no one else does in the North Pole. Why?

Because he’s a magical elf, man.

Why? Why?

Then who gives you presents?

Mom and Dad!

Why would they give you presents?

It’s a freakin’ parents! And they have to!

What’s your favorite Christmas song?

12 Days Of Christmas.

What news event do you vividly remember hearing about as a child, and where were you?

Um, I was at Jewel and my dad told me, um, told me that he saw a newspaper that he wanted me to see, so he took me over to an aisle where it had some newspaper and it had, like, some articles and stuff, and then it said “Princess Charlotte.”

What is your favorite Christmas movie?

Hm.

Have you ever seen a Christmas movie?

No.

What about Elf?

What the heck is Elf?

Well, we’re talking about Christmas movies and I said “What about Elf”. I feel like the context clues could help.

[laughs]

You know Buddy the Elf?

No.

Oh jeez.

Oh, wait. Is that that elf that says “Thats Santa! I know him!

Yes.

I think I seen a clip of it.

Which celebrity would you want to have as a friend?

Um, I actually don’t know.

Katy Perry? Do you still like her?

No! I hate Katy Perry!

Wait, what?

I don’t watch her anymore!

Why not?

I don’t know!

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Is there any celebrity?

Regina Spektor!

Why?

She’s awesome! And Tig Notaro!

What do you like about Regina Spektor?

Her voice and her story and her songs.

The story in her songs?

Yes!

What would you buy Regina Spektor for Hanukkah?

Uh… A notebook.

What kind of notebook?

Just like, a music notebook, where she can write down her songs and her ideas and stuff.

Would you give Regina Spektor a recording of you playing cello? Would you be like, “Here’s my cello work. Maybe you want to call me sometime so we can work on a song together.”

No!

What would you get Tig Notaro for Christmas?

Maybe I would want to get Tig Notaro a plushie of Winnie The Pooh. [Does Tig Notaro impression] “‘Pooh’? Why not ‘Winnie’? Or even ‘The’?”

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When you hate a present are you honest or pretend to love it?

Pretend to love it.

How do you do that?

I’m like, “Oh, thank you!” And then the next day I try to figure out how I’ll use it at all.

And if you can’t then what do you do? Throw it out?

And if I can’t I just place it in the closet. Then I’m like, “Goodbye forever!” And I shut the door.

Would you prefer it to snow on Christmas or stay sunny?

Snow. But, just not snow enough to make me wanna die because it’s so freakin’ cold.

Have you ever had your picture taken with a mall Santa?

Yes. He was so fake.

Which holiday song annoys you the most?

Um… Let’s see… I forgot what it’s called, but it’s where they actually spell out “jingle” and then they say “bells.”

That’s Frank Sinatra. Jingle Bells.

Yeah.

So, thats the worst holiday song?

Yeah.

Do you like surprises or do you prefer to pick out what you’re getting?

Surprises. As long as it’s not bad.

When was the last time you built a snowman?

Um, a long time ago. I made a snowman and I put my hat on it and left it outside, no, wait a second… no, I didn’t make the snowman. One morning when it was snowing, I remember that I left my hat outside and so I ran outside with all my stuff on and I realized some person found it and put it on their snowman, so I took my hat off it and then I destroyed the snowman!

So, you took the hat and destroyed the snowman.

It was a Hello Kitty hat.

What’s the best thing that’s happened to you since last Christmas.

I’m still living.

Do you have any New Year’s Resolutions?

Well, one was try to be befriend [Charlotte’s nemesis] and stop up-and-down fighting, but of course she flushed it all down the toilet!

So, you guys aren’t friends right now?

No. We still don’t like each other.

So, she doesn’t like you either?

I don’t freakin’ know! All I know is, life sucks, man! (laughs uproariously)

Merry Christmas, everyone!

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