The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Visit Florida, Man!
The Florida Commission on Tourism
The Orange Room, December 19, 2018, 9:30am
In Attendance: Skip, Razor, Misty, Flip, and Tanner
Skip – Well, folks, as you know, it has been a rough year in Florida.
Misty – Sure has. The Parkland shooting and shady election results. Rough.
Flip – I think people realize that mass shootings are just a natural part of freedom.
Tanner – As are rigged elections.
Skip – They’re right. I’m talking about how we can’t get through a week without making the national news from one of our citizens doing something batshit crazy.
Razor – I’ve just been looking at the news from last few weeks. It’s insane. And this goes on all year round.
Skip – We must find a way to put a positive spin on this or its going to affect tourism. Most people just go to Disney, stay at Disney, spend all their money at Disney, and then go home.
Razor – Look at this. “Florida Man Tries To Buy McDonald’s Hamburger with Pot.” And he had pink eye.
Misty - That’s not important.
Tanner – Sure does paint a picture.
Flip – We can spin that. Look. That man is a pioneer. Marijuana is becoming legal in more states. He’s an entrepreneur ahead of the curve while honoring our past filled with explorers trading with Indians. This man should be heralded as a visionary.
Skip – I like it. Florida: Come Taste the Future.
Misty – Look at this one. A man tried to get an undercover police officer to give him a blowjob in exchange for a hamburger.
Razor – What kind of burger? In-N-Out?
Tanner – If it’s a good burger that could be worth it.
Flip – If the officer looked hungry and broke he was being charitable.
Misty – If she looked hungry for food and he thought she was too proud to take charity…well, that man is a saint. He probably didn’t even want a blowjob.
Skip – Florida: We Give You It All. Blowjobs included.
Tanner – Do we have anything not related to fast food?
Flip – “Florida Man Arrested for Shoplifting After Job Interview at Kohl’s”
Misty – I can’t even believe that made the news.
Razor – To me, that just shows spirit. Fortitude. That man was so confident he got the job, he wanted to start right way.
Flip – He wasn’t stealing. He was training himself. Doing product research while testing the store’s security systems. Hero in my book.
Skip – Florida: Nothing But Heroes.
Tanner – “Lemur Pops Out of Truck on I-4”.
Razor – Was the lemur driving?
Tanner – Doesn’t say?
Skip – Florida: The World’s Largest Drive-Thru Zoo. Next!
Misty – Here’s a story about a woman who faces aggravated assault charges for farting in line at a dollar store and pulling a knife on a guy who complained about it. What’s the plus side of this?
Razor – Well, at least it wasn’t a gun.
Tanner – That woman was expressing herself. Florida is about expressing yourself. No matter how offensive your opinion smells.
Skip – Florida: We Don’t Always Use Guns. Okay. I like what we are doing. We can get these out on Twitter and in press releases. Last one. “Florida Woman Arrested for Swinging a Bag of Chihuahuas in a Bar.”
Flip – That’s fucked up.
Skip – Let’s table that one. Good work, everyone. I don’t know why Florida is such a magnet for crazy news stories. Everyone, help yourself to oranges, baby alligators, and Jell-O Shots.
Razor – I’m trying to watch my weight.
Skip – The red ones are made with diet Jell-O and grain alcohol is known to burn calories.