The All-New Brian's Corner Show!

The All-New Brian's Corner Show!

By Brian Sweeney

As is apparent to everyone, this column is not working. The fact is dear reader, you don’t like me and I don’t like you. Our hatred boils over for one another with each passing word. How long can I make idiotic jokes about porn and cum ropes? How long can I keep writing about my trip to Mackinac Island so that no one can read it? I slave and toil over these things I write and all it does is fill me with a severe emptiness that I then attempt to fill with cheap bourbon and perverted acts with discarded mannequin torsos I find in the dumpsters outside of outlet stores.

So, I have reached the conclusion that I need to reboot this column with something that you assholes will like. Celebrity interviews, carpool karaokes, video game playthroughs and whatever other stupid shit you people like. So, here it is! The All-New Brian's Corner Show!

*Note: I filmed all of this and fully expected to post it as an amazing show, but those tight-asses that run this site, Don Hall and David Himmel, said it would cost too much money and take up too much bandwidth or some bullshit, so I had to settle on only posting the transcription of the show. If you would like a DVD copy of the show, please let me know.

Brian: My first guest is an Australian. Please welcome Hugh Jackman!

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Hugh Jackman: Thank you for having me, Brian.

Brian: I’m a big fan of your X-Mas character Wolf Man.

Hugh: Wolverine, actually. Thank you.

Brian: The X-Mas franchise is good and Wolf Man is the best of all of that.

Hugh: Well, thanks.

Brian: Wolf Man has a healing factor in the X-Mas movies.

Hugh: Wolverine has a healing factor in the X-Men movies. Yes.

Brian: When you stab Wolf Man he is able to be OK.

Hugh: Right.

[Brian takes out a knife and stabs Hugh Jackman through the heart. Hugh Jackman falls to the ground dead and doesn’t get back up.]

Brian: See? Hollywood lies. We’ll be right back with another celebrity.

[commercial break]

Brian: We’re back. My next guest is Emily Blunt and she is Mary Poppins. Please welcome Emily Blunt!

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Emily Blunt: Thank you for having me.

Brian: Thank you for having.

Emily: What?

Brian: Yes.

Emily: Wha…?

Brian: You’re married to Jim from The Office.

Emily: John Krasinski. Yes.

Brian: John Krusselstine.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: John Crystal Ship.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: Ron Cross Country Skis.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: Jerry Sandusky.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: John Single Malt Whisky.

Emily: ‎John Krasinski.

Brian: Don Feelingfrisky.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: Jane Krakowski.

Emily: ‎John Krasinski.

Brian: Len Kabasinski.

Emily: ‎John Krasinski.

Brian: Monica Lewinsky.

Emily: ‎John Krasinski.

Brian: John Waterskis.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: Junie B. Jones.

Emily: ‎John Krasinski.

Brian: John Christmas Tree.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: John Crab And Sushi.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: Christine Baranski.

Emily: ‎John Krasinski.

Brian: Ren & Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: Anna Chlumsky.

Emily: ‎John Krasinski.

Brian: John Hello Nasty.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: John Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.

Emily: ‎John Krasinski.

Brian: John Blunt Emily.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: John Sox Park Is Always Comiskey.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: John Keri Russell as Felicity.

Emily: John Krasinski.

Brian: John Krasinski.

Emily: Yes.

Brian: Have you met Dwight?

Emily: Yes. I’ve met Rainn Wilson.

Brian: Thanks for coming on the show. We’ll be right back after this commercial.

[commerical break]

Brian: Welcome back. My next guest has been in such films as Starship Troopers 3 and Army Dog. He can currently be seen in the film Bernie The Dolphin. Please welcome, Stelio Savante.

Stelio Savante: Thank you for having me.

Brian: Thank you for being here. I’m a huge fan.

Stelio: Oh, thank you.

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Brian: In Bernie The Dolphin, you play The Mayor.

Stelio: Yes.

Brian: Your performance blew my fucking balls off.

Stelio: Thank you so much.

Brian: What was it like to work with Bernie the Dolphin?

Stelio: It was a great experience. Bernie the Dolphin was a very nice dolphin. Very professional. Very intense.

Brian: Yes. That comes through in his performance.

Stelio: Yeah. When you work with someone like Bernie the Dolphin, you show up. You know? You have to bring your A-game, because that’s what he’s bringing.

Brian: Well, you definitely brought it. You are just so amazing. Just fucking amazing.
[Breaks down weeping.]

Stelio: Thank you.

Brian: [Through tears] Thank you for coming on the show. I love you.

Stelio: I love you.

Brian: We’ll be right back.

[commercial break]

Brian: That’s all for tonight. My thanks to Stelio Savante, Hugh Jackman and Emily Blunt. Good night!

[end credits]

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