Election 2018: The Armageddon

Election 2018: The Armageddon

By Brian Sweeney 

We here in the United States of America just had a midterm election. That can only mean one thing: the Presidential election is in two years.

The United States of America is made up of (approx.) 63 states, 27 billion American citizens, 492 hemispheres and eight original members of Wu-Tang Clan (Masta Killa did not become a full Wu-Tang Clan Member until Forever.) The USA is a democracy and, like everyone else, I tire from the modern electoral process. Like many people, I yearn for a simpler time. They used to elect the president in the way most befitting of that particular moment in history.

Here are a few of the smarter ways we once picked a leader.

In the Presidential election of 1808, six men were each tied up in a burlap sack and thrown into Canadohta Lake. The one who made it out first became president. James Madison had that honor. Unfortunately, he was also the only one to make it out.

In the election of 1836, the president was decided by a series of belching contests. Needless to say, Martin Van Buren destroyed his competition in five out of the six contests to become our nation's eighth president.

In the election of 1876, the decision was made by having five candidates spend the night in a haunted house. Whoever stayed until morning would the be president. When morning came, both Rutherford B. Hayes and Samuel J. Tilden had stayed the whole night. So, as a tie breaker, they had a series of dares including laying in a box and being covered with 900 rats and eating human flesh. Hayes ended up victorious as Tilden refused to drink a jar of formaldehyde with a fetus in it. Hayes gulped it down, fetus and all, and became our 19th president.

In the election of 1884, Grover Cleveland and James G. Blaine both jerked off to crude drawings of busty Italian women and the one who shot the thickest cum ropes became president. Needless to say, Cleveland’s thick, pulpy, creamy, sticky, hot, milky, fat ropes were the victor.


In the election of 1896, the president was decided by a freestyle battle rap competition. William McKinley, known for dropping serious rhymes, was the victor, thus becoming the 25th president.

In the election of 1920, six men went out to a bar. It was decided that whoever got the most phone numbers at the end of the night would be president. No surprise that the winner was Warren G. Harding, who was known as a master of crushing puss.

In the election of 1928, the presidency was decided by seeing who, out of seven candidates, could hold their breath the longest. At just under 3.29 minutes, Alfred E. Smith emerged the victor. However, it was soon discovered that Smith was breathing out of his nose during the competition, so he was quickly shot and Herbert Hoover, the runner up, became the 31st president.


Another fun thing about our political system is how much political porn there is.

Here’s George Washington boning a My Little Pony woman thing.

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Thomas Jefferson showing off his butthole.

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Abraham Lincoln with his sex slave George Washington.

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The Founding Fathers having a sexy sleepover.

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And of course, The Da Vinci Load.

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God Bless America.

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of November 11, 2018

Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of November 11, 2018

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