What to Masturbate to On Halloween: An In-Depth Look at the Sexiest Holiday
People love Halloween. That’s obvious. Americans spend an annual $40 billion* on Halloween candy and accessories. Yet every year, I am asked the same question: “Brian, what do I jack (o-lantern) off to on Halloween?” Here are a few options for you to shoot your spooky loads to.
If you ask any woman what her number one sexual fantasy is, they will reply, “Easy. A plastic skeleton with a dildo attached to it being pushed in and out of me by a small motor.” And fellas, if we’re being honest, we also find that to be the hottest of all possible scenarios.
This sexy lady is wearing a witch hat and spooky socks with spiders and webs on them. She also is completely shaved, which I’m sure we can all agree, is the sexiest possible way to see a vagina getting fucked by a skeleton dildo. The clip is only 33 seconds, but that’s because 33 is the age that Jesus Christ died, making this even more spooky.
This video will make you shoot your paranormal penis pudding all over Dr. Frankenstein’s lab!
What’s hotter than the hockey-masked killer Jason Voorhees? Obviously his young wife masturbating with a machete! Nothing is hotter than seeing a woman rubbing a machete on her clitoris! We all know that. This video is the best way to drain all the juice out of your pumpkin balls!
Jason’s wife doesn’t really say anything in the video and perhaps that is why Jason likes her. Jason appeared in twelve films and never spoke in any of them. Jason believes in action, not words, and his wife here seems to be the same way.
This video will make you shoot your monster man chowder all over Camp Crystal Lake!
There’s nothing sexier than success, and there’s no one more successful right now than box office star Michael Myers! And what else is always popular? Big British titties! Michael Myers squeezes them and puts his wiener between them! He then gets a beej before having some straight-up hardcore sex: Michael Myers style!
This video will make you shoot your Halloween H20 all over the the old Myers’ house!
In the season 10 Simpsons episode "Treehouse of Horror IX” there was a segment called “Starship Poopers” that showed that Maggie Simpson’s real father is the alien Kang. While the impregnation of Marge by Kang was left offscreen in the original, some creative and talented pervert felt the need to animate Marge being filled in all holes by alien tentacles.
This video will make you shoot your bloodcurdling ball snot all over your neighbor’s Halloween decorations!
Remember the horror movie The Nun? Remember how when you watched the movie all you could think about the whole time was how much you wish you could fuck the demon nun? Well, good news. In this, the Nun comes in and makes a dude get on his knees and eat her ass.
She then starts blowing him before moving to straight penis in vagina sex. It ends with a dude shooting his nut ectoplasm in her mouth, which she gobbles down like a communion wafer. Nut sack-rilegious!
I’ll be honest, this one is kinda hot. This is the first one on the list that I would unironically give my masturbating endorsement to.
This video will make you shoot your ghoulish gonad guacamole all over the haunted house!
Hey! Do you remember The Ring? Remember how when you watched the movie all you could think about the whole time was how much you wished you could fuck the ghost girl from the bottom of the well? No? Well, someone did, I guess. She comes out of the well and starts boning a dude. Eventually, he busts on her tongue. I dunno. If you have a thing for the dead well girl from The Ring, this is for you!
This video will make you shoot your frightening fish dip for the next seven days!
Oh shit. A plastic skeleton with a dildo attached to it is back and this time the skeleton is fucking someone’s wife! There is nothing as emasculating as being cucked by a plastic skeleton. Trust me. The skeleton starts by having her ride his face, then she gets on his dildo and bounces on it, then he does her doggy, then he does her missionary. This skeleton is quite the cocksman and really helps to perfectly encapsulate the Halloween spirit.
This video will make you shoot your terrifying trouser gravy all over the cemetery tombstones!
So there you have it! There are many more options for you to jerk it to on Halloween, but I feel like I’m already pushing it with the ones I’ve given, and am uncomfortable with sharing a lot of the ones I found doing this research. Just go to whatever porn site you go to and type in “Halloween porn.” You’ll find something to bust to.
Here’s a few links to random people having sex with pumpkins!
Happy Halloween you disgusting perverts!
*This is a made up number.
Brian Sweeney is a contributing author to the book Welcome to the Future Which is Mine.