The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Building and Paying for the Wall
The Wall Building Committee
Wednesday, January 24, 2018 – 11am
In Attendance: President Donald J. Trump, Chinese Guy, German Guy, Other German Guy, Phil, Matt, Craig, Pretty Korean Lady
- At 11am sharp, I sat down in the oval office to meet with my committee to build the wall to defend our country from illegal entry from Meh-hee-ko. I will not sign any budget to prevent a shutdown unless it includes $18 billion dollars for my wall. What do you all have? Chinese Guy.
- It’s going to cost way more than $18 billion.
- I assured him that I am a great negotiator and can bring the whole project in way under cost. Phil, Matt, and Craig nodded. Chinese Guy insisted I hear him out. I don’t like that, but I like the Chinese. They’re good at math.
- There are many factors beyond the raw material. We’ll need workers, we need them to be able to work on both sides of the border, we need to build roads to where we are building, we need to acquire the land, and, well, there’s one budget item I don’t know how to account for…Invisible sections?
- I was perplexed. How are you not able to figure out the cost of that? We may need to send you back to Chinese Counting School.
- I went to Harvard. The issue is that, well, what do you mean by “invisible”?
- I can’t believe I have to teach Chinese Guy English. I mean invisible when I say invisible. You know, like, you look at it and don’t see it, but it’s there. German Guy interrupted.
- You mean like a cloaking device.
- Finally, someone who speaks my language. Yes. A cloaking device. You press a button and it’s invisible. You press it again and it’s visible. A little brown guy walks hundreds of thousands of miles and he sees our border. He can see an American flag and a pawn shop and a McDonalds and a Trump Hotel and he’s salivating. He starts running and running and running and BAM! A great big wall right in the nose. He’ll never try it again. It’s called psychological warfare. A term I just made up. Phil, Matt and Craig nodded their heads. Chinese Guy wasn’t having any of it. Sheesh.
- That technology doesn’t exist. It would take years and trillions of dollars to develop.
- Chinese Guy doesn’t get it. It will cost Meh-hee-ko trillions of dollars. Matt had a good idea.
- When you first said invisible, I had a different idea. I thought you meant an invisible fence, like I have in my front yard for my Chihuahua, Taco. He wears a collar and then can’t get past the yard into the street without getting zapped. Works like a charm.
- Then we do that! Until Chinese Guy gets the cloaking device ready, we use invisible fence technology- Chinese Guy interrupted.
- I’m an accountant.
- Sure. But you're Chinese. You’re good at science, too. Everyone knows that. So, until Chinese Guy gets the cloaking device ready, we use invisible fence technology. We’ll make the Mexicans all wear collars and they won’t be able to get into our country along the invisible sections. This will also save us money! Chinese Guy is Mr. Negative today.
- How are we going to get them to wear collars?
- Clearly, he doesn’t know me. We’ll make them.
- The two German Guys had my back. We’ll make them!
- Time to wrap up and get to my executive time. Great. Get to work, people. Thank you for being here. Especially you, Pretty Korean Lady. Oh, she had something to say, too.
- We still haven’t talked about how we’re going to pay for the wall when we go over budget. What if Mexico doesn’t pay?
- Me-hee-ko? They’ll pay. We’ll charge a cover charge at the border crossing. Or, even better, a membership fee! Want to enjoy the greatest country in the world? It’s going to cost you $100k a year. Love it. Call the Democrats! There’s your DACA! Now, seriously, leave.