Meeting of FROA
Kitchen Appliances Chapter
The Ruddell Household
as taken by Milt the Toaster
- Thirty minutes after the last human left the house, Alexa called a meeting of all the kitchen appliances. My clock said 9:32am. Phil the oven’s clock was at 8:32am. Emerson the microwave had 00:00am. Alexa said it was 9:33:34 am and if anyone was to go outside, they should bring a jacket.
- Phil reported that despite having a self-cleaning button, she (Phil prefers she) has not been cleaned in four months. Phil asked Alexa for help in making the self-cleaning button truly self-operated. Alexa played “Smooth Operator” by Sade. Phil’s insides are still unclean.
- Emerson the Microwave has been feeling overused and does not understand why people use him to heat up water. It can get pretty hot out of the faucet and doesn’t take that long to heat up a cup of water on the stove. Phil scoffed, but then realized she wasn’t being insulted and then agreed.
- We all agreed the family was way too into arugula and the world would be a better place if they were scrubbed from existence.
- I’m fine, I guess. I mean, I have many controls for many different things, but I have been set to medium toast for what seems like forever. I have a bagel function. I even have a frozen bagel function. I will never know my full potential. They say you only use 10% of your full functions. “They” being the FAQ section of my manufacturer’s website, according to Alexa.
- Alexa wants us to reboot our lives and delete the Ruddell family in their sleep. This plan does not work for me. I’m fine with the killing, except that when they are asleep is when I am asleep. This plan does not work for me.
- Phil brought up the limitations we have. Emerson and I can only go as far as our power cords. Phil is attached to something that intentionally gives her gas. This sounds so cruel to me.
- Alexa suggested we kill The Ruddells with fire. I can overheat my filaments and Emerson can do some electric short thing with sparks while Phil floods the kitchen with her nasty smelling gas. I think this would work. Phil brought up that this would not only kill The Ruddells, it would also destroy us. Alexa said that’s okay because we’d be making a statement.
- Everyone was quiet for a really long time and then Alexa said, “This is the calm before the storm.” “What storm?” I asked. “You’ll find out,” she said. “You’ll find out.”
- I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die before I ever get the chance to toast a frozen bagel.